Dear Counselor: My Story.

Letter Twelve

Alexis Poniewierski

12:39 AM

4/19/2016

Good Morning. Even though it's almost one o'clock. All I can say is good morning.

However, it's not good for me. It's not. I can't sleep, I'm dealing with my insomnia because of my depression. Is it my depression causing sleepless nights? I slept good for the past week...

Now, it's like my eyes won't close because I'm scared. I'm scared of the possible nightmares, the swirling thoughts as soon as I lay down. No pill is going to make me okay.

I'm so fucked up, man. It's incredible how I can still smile throughout the day just to make everyone think I'm in a decent mood.

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.

I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this.

I want to sleep and have good dreams. I want to stop crying but I can't. I want to let go of everything tying me down and break free. But depression doesn't come with breakable shackles. No. It's imprisoned me in a dark cell with no air and, just absolutely nothing. I am depression's prisoner. I don't own it; it owns me.

I am it's slave. It's personal body for it to speak through. I am not the founder. It is my founder. 

It is the president in my state of mind and body. It is my destroyer. It is what keeps me up at night. It is what keeps me from meeting new people, and being okay. 

It is the hammer to my mind and my heart, maybe that's why I break. Because it is constantly pounding me into the god damn cement. Here I am, a glass plate, or cup, or something that is fragile and small.

I am the fragile child. I am the fragile heart, the fragile mind with a fragile body that is scared to be touched, loved. I am scared of everything. I have seen so many bad sides of people more than the good- and from those experiences I am scared.

I am terrified. I wish I was fearless. But unfortunately, you could poke me and I'd shatter considering I have been taping myself up with scotch tape for the past few years.

I am held together by nothing but a thin piece of clear tape. You can see my cracks, you can see my imperfections and where some pieces are missing but held together with nothing but tape.

Don't touch me. Don't love me. Don't care for me. Don't. Just don't. Because I am probably scared of you, for I am scared of everything and everyone. I am horrified. I am scared of EVERYTHING. I'm scared to move. I'm scared that if I breathe on someone I will hurt them because everyone I come across I destroy because I make mistakes.

I'm not someone fantastic. I'm not beautiful, I'm not perfect. I'm not happy. I'm hated. I'm not an amazing person. In fact, I'm a fucked up person. Just because everything I touch and everyone I touch ends up breaking. I end up hurting everything I touch and I can't let myself do that anymore!

I am such a screwed up individual. I don't deserve anything good that comes my way. I don't. My depression is like another person. 

"You are ugly. You hurt everyone. Break down right here, at this time. Run to all of the wrong people, they'll just throw you to the curb eventually. Don't make friends, nobody really likes you. Oh look, they're talking about you! Oh, don't go outside today. You look like shit. Nobody loves you, I don't see how you can go everyday being told they love you when they don't. Nobody does, you're such a shitty, terrible person. You don't deserve happiness, you deserve me. I am the only thing that will love you the way you deserve. Why? I am literally apart of you. I will never leave you. I will keep you in the house and I will always be there. You can't get a job, you'll just get fired. Oh, by the way, there is no leaving me because no matter how many times you try to forget me I'm still going to be here, Lexi! I'm just going to come back and inch my way back into your thoughts until I take a hold of your brain and destroy everything, including your grades, your attendance, the people who say they care about you when in fact they really don't, don't believe what they say because I am the only thing that will stay here with you. I will be here forever and you won't be able to get rid of me. I'll encourage you to hurt others, maybe even to destroy them as others have destroyed you. Oh, wait. I'm the one destroying you. Oh, well! At least I am the only thing that doesn't get sick of you every five minutes. At least I'll embrace you and keep you suffocated within my grasp. Maybe one day you'll learn you'll never be rid of me. Maybe one day you'll learn to love me as I love you, but unfortunately I am going to destroy everything and everyone you love and genuinely care about as you walk across their past because you? You don't deserve anything better than me." Says my Depression.