Sensational

12

~Nina~

**Trigger Warning for this chapter**

I opened my new book, Diary of An Oxygen Thief, and read some more before I had to go to sleep. I wasn't really feeling myself today so I opened a great book to escape reality. Today was actually a great day, everyday at school so far has been great. I loved the positive vibe of the school and everyone there was so nice. Being known as the girl on the internet is pretty weird but I'll get used to it. Diana and I have made a few friends and Diana already has a guy she's talking to.

Diana was out with Adrian, the new guy she's talking to, and my mom was out working. Everybody already had their new life together while I'm going to sleep at seven in the afternoon. I haven't gotten anything done at all. I needed to be getting my drivers license, getting a job, and getting my school work done but I'm reading this book in bed and thinking of what I could be doing. I wish I was more productive.

I started thinking about hurting myself, since I literally had nothing better to do. The guy in Diary of an Oxygen Thief liked seeing pain in girls when he hurt them because he was hurt himself. He had a rough past and I believe he was trying to recover from it by causing others, mostly girls, pain. He was a misogynist, which meant he liked hurting girls emotionally. He was like a serial killer, he felt no remorse for his victims. He regretted hurting Penelope but at the time he claimed to be bored and drunk when he dropped her with a million insults. I guess it was a habit he couldn't break for her, even if they were meant to be.

I relate to that a bit. When I self-harm, I feel no remorse or pain for myself and I'm hurting others around me by doing it. I like seeing the pain on my body, and I love how people get so hurt when I push them away because I don't want them getting hurt. I wish they knew what I would be saving them from. I'm a wrecking ball. I destroy everything in my path, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

I started tearing up, wanting to cry about where I'm putting myself. We all know if Diana or my mom find marks all over my skin or if my depression gets worse, I'll be in a mental institution again. I moved away to get away from all that. I can't go back to where I was before.

I put down Diary of an Oxygen Thief and went to the bathroom. I couldn't help myself. It was like everything was blurry and I had no control over my actions. I broke an old razor, getting the blades out. I placed the sharp little piece of metal on my wrist.

"Should I?" I asked myself in the mirror. The pain in my eyes was enough to bring me to tears. I looked so hurt, I didn't know how others didn't see it too. My light green eyes were dull and dark. The gloss over my eyes didn't help. I honestly just looked high.

I cried until I hit the floor. My knees just gave out on me. I was so pathetic. Crying on the bathroom floor with a blade in my hand. Back to where I started.

I took that blade and slid it across my wrist. It felt so good to not think about the consequences and just do it. I loved as blood trickled down my arm. I quickly got a towel out and made sure blood didn't get on the floor. I took the blade to my skin more and more. I did it all over my body, making sure I wasn't missing any of my body.

Blood was everywhere. I wasn't going to clean it up because my body was still pouring out blood. I sobbed, knowing what I did to myself was so wrong. My mom had spent so much money to make me better and move me away from the bullshit. She didn't deserve me, nobody did. Diana and her would be so much better without me.

I laid on the cold floor and thought about everything. I let my cuts bleed and sting in pain. I didn't care at this point. I was a disappointment.

"I'm home!" Diana's voice yelled and I heard footsteps coming upstairs.

- imma_mess_ok -

GUYS I'M SO SORRY THIS TOOK FOREVER TO UPLOAD!! I've honestly been trying to get better myself so this took everything in me to write. It's just five days late tho. I'm sorry it sucked too.

With all the love, I hope you have the greatest day.