§LÄVÈ

S L A V E ~ 12

Catalina

The next day came, and started bright and early. Everyone was working and un-decorating the dining hall in which the engagement party was kept. Of course, I did the same, but I also had to mentally prepare myself to spend the day with Prince Justin's Fiancé in the morrow.

    I know, that interaction will be hours away but I cannot help but feel a bit nervous of the fact that I knew nothing about her except for the fact that she is engaged to the very man who makes me feel free whenever his lips touched mine.

I know it is wrong, and if it were a month or even a year ago, I would look at myself in disdain whenever I saw my reflection — now, I wondered what exactly changed within me? Why am I feeling this way and willingly having no intentions of putting a stop to this?
I shook my head at the thought as I realized I often times asked myself questions in which I have no intentions of answering because I know that I am indeed wrong and this will not end well at all.

As I scrubbed the dishes and washed the glassware, there was a moment where I stopped and stared at my hands; the very pigment of my skin blinding my eyes. I am a slave in this household for my color does not match his ... so why has he taken such an interest? Or is it a plot to slowly drag me through the dirt and tear my heart to pieces?

I frowned and clenched my jaw as I ran a my fingers through my curly hair in frustration. Who am I to try and be with someone that I clearly cannot? Who am I to have feelings for the man that will soon belong to another woman completely? I am not of his class, I cannot even imagine to match his fiancé in the sight of everyone. I am a fool to think for even a moment that he would be with me instead of her, a fool to think that if I were to ever get caught looking at him in a way that showed great admiration — that they would not have my head for it without thinking twice, and I am a fool to think something like this could even be real.

I sighed deeply and resumed my task at hand.

I do not want to be used, nor to have my heart broken ... But why do I feel as if those things will not happen to me? Perhaps I am in denial, perhaps I am blinded by my heart that I cannot see clearly through my eyes...

I have never had this feeling before, about anyone. I have never experienced these feelings and that scares me half to death because at the same time, I can't even comprehend if this is a joke to him - to mess around with me and then betray me - or if he shares the same feelings ... or thoughts even.

Oh, what am I even thinking?

I promised myself that I would somehow, someway, make a change in this world before I leave this earth; I nearly threw that away by thinking of ways to end my life and the only reason why I did not go over the edge ... was because of Prince Justin. Was it a sign? out of everyone else who could have possibly found me, it was him.
I silently chuckled to myself sarcastically, I want it to be a sign. But, is it really? I highly doubt it. Everything has undoubtedly been so overwhelming lately that I have fallen nearly sick to my stomach of the thought of anything getting worst. And I, having these feelings for the prince, is more than me making things worst if caught; it is me basically ending my life.

My beating two weeks ago, is something that I will never forget. My back is greatly bruised and that mark is something that I will carry for the rest of my life. I never really contemplated how being in this household would change me exactly with so much going on — but it slowly is.

    For instance; I will never let myself be seen as incompetent or ever let anyone of my race walk all over me because they think I might as well be white if my color is so light. It hurts me that they fail to understand that I am just as black as them and whenever I look in the mirror, a strong black woman is who I see.