Hold My Hand

38

*VANESSA*

Just as I was leaving Cat's house, Mario told us both that he and the boys had another shoot to do in New York and that they might not be back in time for New Years. They're leaving tomorrow night.

Juwany asked to come over, but given the news I didn't expect to see him. As soon as I got home I took a shower, put on pajamas, and curled up in bed with my pillow. Benji layed on a pillow above my head and watched me cry, something that feels routine at this point.

When he ran off of the pillow and jumped off my bed I cried harder. Why did he leave when I need company?

A few seconds later he cane back, wagging his tail.

I took short breaths. "Benji. Re-relax, mommy doesn't wanna p-p-play right n-now."

"Nessa?"

I looked toward my door and saw Juwany. He was wearing a black t-shirt and gray sweatpants with fuzzy socks. I didn't bother sitting up.

"I didn't think you were still coming." I said.

"Mario told you about the shoot?"

"Yes."

Juwany picked Benji up and put him in his bed which was on the floor next to my dresser. "Benji, stay."

Juwany lifted up my navy blue quilt and layed down next to me.

"Baby I'm sorry. I have no choice."

I turned away from him and wiped my eyes.

"You never have a choice."

I could feel myself about to cry again. I don't want him to break up with me, but I know it's coming.

"Do you want me to leave?" He asked.

"Do you want to leave?"

He answered firmly. "No. But if I'm staying you have to look at me."

I sat up against my headboard and looked right at him.

"Juwany I want this to work. I want it to work so bad, but if you don't want it to...you have to just tell me."

"What? Are you crazy? Of course I want it to work!"

"It doesn't feel that way. If you're gone for a tour or a photoshoot I get it. But when you get back home the first thing you wanna do is go hang out with the guys, but you JUST came back from seeing them. You tell me you're busy editing a video, but then I see on Snapchat that you're with Mario. Juwany I just wanna feel like I still matter to you."

"You do baby. You do, and I'm sorry for neglecting you. I might not be back in time to celebrate New Year's with you, but I promise that on the 3rd, your birthday, we'll do something really nice ok?"

I layed back down. "Ok."

He layed down with me and wiped away some of my tears with his thumb.

"Can I have a kiss please?"

"Yes." I told him.

We kissed for what felt like the first time in years, and I hoped that from now on we would be ok. I'm tired of crying.