Hold My Hand

40

*VANESSA*

Juwany and I have been broken up for over 2 months now, and it still hurts me to see him. So when I left Cat's room to take a shower I nearly ran into the bathroom when I saw Juwany coming upstairs with Mario.

"Oh. Vanessa. I didn't know you were sleeping over." Mario said sadly.

"Yeah...well I am."

I stepped into the bathroom and shut the door quietly. Juwany and I aren't on speaking terms, and I thought avoiding him would be easy because he's always out of state. However, for the next two weeks I'm on Spring Break and the boys don't have any shoots or tours lined up.

I almost started crying while I washed my hair, but I begged myself to stay strong and it worked. I never told him, but I loved Juwany. And whenever I see him face to face I think I still love him, but I can't. He never loved me, he would have said so.

Maybe he's happier now. He can hang out with his friends whenever he wants and I can't complain about it because he's not my boyfriend.

"Vanessa I'm sorry." Cat said, when I got back into the room. "Mario didn't tell me Geo was coming. His mom is out of town for a week, he's staying here."

"It's ok. We can just go to my house from now on."

Cat sighed. "Ok. Sure."

She braided my hair and I braided hers, then we got in bed and went to sleep. I had to try really hard to just clear my mind and not think about Juwany.

When I woke up the next morning I tiptoed to the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face and then went downstairs to eat. I've been over Cat's house so many times now that her mom said I don't have to wait for other people to wake up before I could start my day.

I grabbed a black plastic bowl from the cabinet above the sink and a spoon from the drawer next to the fridge.

Eating alone in the large kitchen was peaceful. When I heard footsteps and laughter on the stairs, I stiffened.

"I still don't understand how you manage to be up so early." Mario laughed, spotting me. "Good morning."

"Good morning." I responded to him.

Juwany ran his hands through his hair and Mario handed him a bowl. "Good morning Vanessa."

"Good morning Geo."

I pushed my chair away from the table, grabbed my cereal and went upstairs without another word. I can't. I can't try and be friends with him anymore.

Unfortunately Cat was still asleep, so I had no one to vent to. I unplugged my phone from the charger and tweeted.

Ever wish you could just rewind time and relive good days? Because same. <\3

I ate my bowl of cereal and decided not to go downstairs for a second one because I was afraid of running into...Geo. After two hours Cat was still asleep and I had no clue what to do, so I packed up my stuff and texted my mom to pick me up.

As I passed through the kitchen Mario just said goodbye in a sad voice, and Juwany said nothing.

"Everything ok honey?" My mom asked.

I put on my seatbelt and shook my head. "Juwany showed up. His mom's out of town so he's staying here."

"Oh. Baby I'm sorry, I forgot about that..."

"It's ok mom. Cat is still asleep, but I didn't know what to do. Can we just go home?"

"Of course."

She backed out of the drive way and I immediately felt my eyes stinging. It isn't fair that I keep crying over him and he doesn't even seem to be affected by my presence.

Once I was home I expected to be ok. But I wasn't. My mom curled up with me in bed and held me while I cried.

"I just wish he cared about me. I wish we never moved here mom. I wish I never saw him."

My mom rubbed my back and kissed the top of my head.

"I know baby. I know."

I hugged my mom tighter and took a deep breath.

"Mommy."

"Yes baby?"

"I love him. I love him so much."

As the words escaped from my throat I could feel myself falling apart. I felt a bunch of tiny broken pieces being held together by my mother's embrace.

I miss him. He hurt me, a lot, but I miss him. I miss him because I love him. I never stopped loving him.