Black Lies

Chapter 3: Love and Hip Hop

Heterosexual: Of a person sexually attracted to people of the opposite sex. Involving or characterized by sexual attraction between people of the opposite sex. Tendency to direct sexual desire to the opposite sex.

Synonym: Hetero, straight  "Most of my heterosexual friends are single."

Comes from the Greek word Hetero meaning different.

Homosexual: Of a person sexually attracted to people of one's own sex. A person who is sexually attracted to people of their own sex. Involving sexual intercourse between persons of the same sex.

Synonym: Homo, Gay, Lesbian 

Comes from the word Homo meaning same.

Why did it seem as though I felt different, but I was still the same me. Sure I was different, did that make me hetero? But I liked the same sex, was I Homo? I googled both of these. I pondered for a minute. What was I? I wanted to identify myself for myself. Why was I attracted to men? When did I start feeling an attraction? Did this in all make me a female? I still had my dick, so I definitely wasn't female. I still felt an attraction towards women, so I definitely was a man. My dad taught me growing up that men were attracted to women, same thing as women were attracted to men, it was nature. My mom told me, men that sleep with men are sinners. When I told them it wasn't a welcome, apple pie, and lovey dovey time. Brother, wanted to kill me. Sister, didn't care, only worried about her own problems. Father, uneasy, hated my guts, no longer cared for me, ignored me, cut me out. Mother, hated me, hit me, almost kicked me out, cried, said it was a phase, I would get over it. Where did my confidence go? I wanted to take all that shit back. The night before I told all of them, I googled so much shit on gay. Watched so many videos, looked up history, origin, gay culture. it was a totally different world. Apparently gays were divided by two; masculine and feminine. Reading the definitions of both I characterized with the masculine, built tough, a mans man, almost being heterosexual. I felt better with that then feminine, men that had the same motives a females.  During my discovery I found something that was a keen piece to me. Bisexual.

What did it mean? Was this me? Is this even real? I was a sheltered child so this was a remarkable discovery. Being bisexual apparently meant being attracted to both sexes. I think I felt comfortable with that. I loved the physical attraction and mental attraction of a female, but the touch and mind of a man, just was evenly matched. I rolled with the bisexual title for a while until my junior year in high school.

The friends I made at my old school new my secret. They were mostly female, but I still had male friends.  Nijah, Tateyana, Jasmine, Kayla, Gerald, Davon and Donovan. This was my crew, until I left for good. I hate till this very day from leaving them behind. We all had our share of dirty laundry. So, when I left, I started a new life. My new school was alright, I was mostly alone, but I had my brother with me. He still hated me, but it was us against the world, so your worst enemy became your alley. Down the line I got the chance to meet some new new people, especially a new crush. Her name was Diamond. She was in a class then I was, but damn she was fine. She was short, looked as though she was mixed, long black hair, pink lip gloss, ass so phat, and a chest I could play bongos on. What guy wouldn't want her. For some reason all the guys she talked to, she didn't like like. but I was the only one. Couple months after school started, I would text her on and off, telling her I like her, she was pretty, and that I would get with her in a second. She said the same thing, but she wasn't looking for a relationship. The next day, her friend comes to me, ask me, "Do you really like Diamond?" I say, "Yeah I do, why?" "Nothing just wanted know, by the way, she goes with someone else." It couldn't be, was this another Shatasha repeat? Was another girl I like, about to be taken by a popular kid? I went and asked Diamond, "Who do you go with?, I thought you were single?" She goes, "Look I like somebody I know, (For this mark, we will call him Smartcar) he's in our biology class." What's his name?" "Smartcar" I didn't know him, but he was a douche anyway. It was time for biology, I finally saw him. He was kinda cute, but what the hell was I thinking, he liked my girl, he was the boyfriend of my girl. I walked out of biology never, to like girls at this school because all the do his hurt you. I guess you could say the same thing for dudes, but I only had one. The end of October came and I was about to meet up with me friends from my old school.