Black Lies

Chapter 8: Curious and Confused

I think I'm a sex addict. I have the feeling to want sex. It makes me feel good, alive would be a better term. But I wonder if I confuse sex and love. Before I lost my virginity, I was always curious about sex. How did it happen? What happens during it? Is it pleasure or Pain? Who was I, the top or bottom? Sex was a powerful thing. I would see it in porn and say, "O okay, that's what it looks like.". Then I learned the difference between sex and making love. Sex was like a quicky type thing. Slide the condom on, fuck the bitch, and either sit or take a shower, and then you or the other person leaves. Making love was like a slow passionate type thing. Put some R Kelly on, massage a little bit, foreplay, do a little bit of eating out, then fuck the bitch for a long time, nice and slow, then really fast. Making love, you enjoy the ride, while with sex its a on time fast thing. When I lost my virginity, I thought, I thought I made love. Love making does not happen for 3 minutes.... It was just sex. When I did it with Donovan, it was longer, and a little passionate. I didn't get a chance to do it with Vontae or Bryce, but if I did, I'm pretty sure it would have been just sex. I probably would of loved it. I wondered about the other pleasure of Jacking off. It was a wondering feeling. It felt natural, but was it just sex. Depended on how long it lasted. But for me, I think I was doing it too much. I needed to talk about my addiction to someone, someone I knew very well.

I decided to call my friend David up. He said that he would meet me at the mall so we could chat. David was a type of person I could trust because we dealt with similar shit. He was a very open proud gay man, hes worked with an organization at his school about talking about his past and why the way he was. "Hey wassup man, long time no see", I told him. "Hey, fancy feet, how you've been?" "I've been great, finally starting to get my life on track, college and shit. How have you been?" "You know, the same old same old, really hanging with my crew, especially my girl Makiah." "O really, how is she doing?" He said, "Pretty well, I hung out with her and a few other people at the mall. She had problems with this girl Amber." "What like fight problems?" "Somewhat, more like love problems." "Makiah likes Amber?" "You could say that haha." "Congrats to her, hopefully they will make it through." For me, I always loved lesbians. They are the same as me, but they are women who like women. David continued, "Yeah hopefully, so how has your relationship life been so far, anything with Donovan and why he isn't talking?" "I still have this deep type of feeling for him, but I'm not sure about his feelings for me." "Well, it seems to me that you love him, I'm not saying wait on him, but call him and see whats up. You gotta keep these hoes in check hahaha." "Dude, you are right but crazy ha. But, how has it been for you? You find everything alright?", I said. "Well, some shit happened between me and my friend Jordan." "Details, details, details!" "Okay okay, so I was at Makiah's party and we played truth or dare. More like dare and dare. So the bottle landed on Makiah and she had to kiss Amber. We looked around with excitement and Makiah called out Jordan. She said to let David suck on your dick for 5 minutes. I looked like, "forreal you gone call me out like that?", but I just went with it. Jordan was a little concerned because he was straight, I mean like sharpie straight. But he had to do the dare or something bad was going to happen to him." I said, "Wow look at you mister player, getting bitches and getting money ha." "You already know ha." I continued, "But the real issue that I brought you out here was to ask you a question." "Your not coming on to me are you because, this might be a problem." "No, o god no, I needed advice on sex and making love because I think I'm a sex addict." "Dude, your not an addict, that's just something that prostitutes call themselves to make them seem more classy, and respectful." "But I jack off every single day for the longest time, and then I just crave sex, constantly, I download apps and talk to guys and even almost meet up with them." "Man, you just have a drive, you just looking for a wanting, or even maybe a need because you have a void to fill. You think you want sex, but your just horny, the jacking off is normal, hell it wouldn't be normal if you didn't, but you will soon come out of the state. If you want sex, its okay, just make sure your dong it with protection and be safe. And don't be a whore, like constantly having it every night." "Thanks man, I think I get it, how do you know all of this?" "Been there done that, matter fact, I was in the state your in now, but know I have grown out of it, well at least a little." "Thanks bro, lets go get something from the food court, I'm starving." "With what money, you broke my dude." "Chill, I got cash, its just in your wallet, plus your the one with big fancy job." "Whatever haha."

David really helped me out that day. He was a wise person. I wonder if he would ever find someone. I know that he was going to start writing his own book. I heard it was doing very well. But, sex was something that I needed because I was horny. But, making love was one of the things I needed, and in order to do that, I first needed to find the right one for me. I just needed to look in the right place.