Black Lies

Chapter 10: Stand

My life has been a roller coaster. I've had 6 guys in my life that had all had crushes on me. I believe that I was born gay. I didn't think that years ago, but now I do. I find guys well more attractive now. I think I have grown into a full grown adult. One thing I wish that I could tell myself the answer to is, What exactly is Love? Everybody wants it, everybody needs to have it. I believed in love, and it only got me the 6 that were not the definition of love. I'm not even sure if they wanted love. I think they just wanted my body. I was nothing more than a fuck carcas. I knew I was a human, and as a human I was intrigued. I had my rookie mistakes, thinking that I feel in love, or had the one for me. I thought about being the Edward and Bella couple. Even though I ended each relationship, I still learned something from them. I learned for myself that I am still me, I call the shots for myself. I would never let anybody run over me. I would make my on decisions. I would not sit and cry over some shit that doesn't make since. 

Being a black, 18 year old, gay male in society is rough. So many emotions come into play. Love was a game. I was a player who got played. The last guy, the very last one who I gave chance after chance, finally let it go. I thought I would die alone being the old cat lady. I got brought back to reality. I was just an 18 year old, black gay male, I got the rest of my life to live. I took a stand for myself. I was not gonna let one guy fuck up my future, whether he was in it or not. I wanted to live for me. I had a good job, I was in school, I had no kids, I had a car, more importantly, I had my future to look forward to. The dreams that I had, they were predictions for my future. The guy was unrecognizable, but he would come. maybe not now, but he would, I just had to give it time. Right now, I just have to worry about making money. Money was going to be my new best friend, hell my partner and lover. 

Back in June, I made a suggestion to my friend Jade. "We should move in together." Jade said, "Really where?" "Well, your going to school out in California, I like the West Coast, and you already going to be in it, why not there?" "Are you forreal, or are you just playing?", she said. I continued, "I'm dead seriuos, we would be perfect for each other." "OMG were going to be living together, not now because were broke, but when though?" "Say in about 2-5 years, when I get more money and graduate." "Okay it sounds like a plan, I think we both need a change in scenery." "You could say that again ha." It was official, I was planning on moving out the California with my bestfriend, getting an apartment, finding a job and making tons of cash. The next couple of months after i got a surprise. Jade, "So I have something to tell you." "Please don't tell me your pregnant or somebody died." "No, not at all especially with the first one, I found us another roommate." "Really who is it?" "Rachel.", she said. "Really!?, O wow, all 3 of us living out in California, that would be fun." I was estatic that Rachel would be considering moving in with us. I trusted both of them and they would be the best roommates ever.

From that point on, life was going pretty well. September came. I lost a few friends, and I gained some new ones. Love was still there, but it was going to have to wait. I took a stand and cut a few people from my life. To them, I was dead, or i faded into the back, never to be heard from again. I was back on track, a straight path. I had my friends by my side. For how long? Only time could tell. I look back at all the old me's. I wondered if I could've handeled a situation better. I wondered if I would've waited to come out, would I have been on a darker path. I wondered if I had went with meeting that guy off of Facebook. I thought about cuttin off all my friends. I thought about a lot of shit. My world was crazy. 10 years ago, I had the worst experience of my life. I got lied to by a pretty face with a voice of angels. I got lied to by a guy that wanted cake and couldn't have it. I got lied to and treated terrible by guy who I had a deep conection for. I took a chance on someone only to be lied to through a computer. And I had the one person in my life who I thought I was the one, the one I had a connection for, the one i gave my heart and soul to, lie to me for years. Man... how fucked up is love. 

I wasn't goig to let love stand in the way of my dreams. This was not my last chapter. I still had a ways to go. I was 18 year old Demetrius Brooks, black, gay, male living in a world of possibilities and somewhere out there was my turth. I just have to keep looking for it, it would come to me sooner or later.