Black Lies

Chapter 7: The Online Tango

Social Media. I had a lot of usage from social media. When I was young, I had a Bebo, MySpace, BlackPlanet page. I grew to more, better sites: Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and Instagram, if you count it. I wondered, how do gays socialize with each other. You could easily search guys on Facebook, but you couldn't be sure. It was a very dangerous move. I tried it out. I talked to some guys from different High Schools, but I almost got hurt. Like the event before, I almost tried to go out to meet someone, but I was stopped by my sister. I grew up from that day. While in the midst of somewhat dating Lea, he showed me an app he used to talk to guys with. An app called Growlr. He then said that there were plenty of different apps. After I got done with Lea, Bryce and Donovan, I was back on the market looking for love, so I decided to try online dating.

I was sitting in my room at night one day. I was in basketball shorts and a T Shirt. Reruns of Girlfriends were on BET. I liked that show, Toni was my favorite. I got a little horny after looking at the screen when William came on. He was a little bit cute. I thought and decided to check out some of the apps that Lea told me about. I opened my phone, went to the store and searched gay chat. A lot of apps came up. One in particular that seemed as if a lot of gays were using it. The name was Grindr. I downloaded it with a quickness. It showed options of terms and conditions, I did not have time for that. I agreed, it said to make a profile and then start chatting. As I was editing, it came up with an option to turn on my Location setting. This was a setting that I was confused about. It said that it would be able to show the list of guys that are near your area. My curiosity got peaked from that. Guys that were near me? Like right around my corner. I just thought that there were gays everywhere else like out of state. But, right in my backyard? I clicked the little box and set up a profile. It was so may guys near me I was shocked. There wee even a few surprises with some peoples profiles. I saw this neighbor kid who I knew, but really didn't know. I saw many different guys that were near me. 0.2 miles away, 0.76 miles away, 0.02 miles away, 1 mile away. I was utterly shocked. I even saw some of the guys from my school. "You gotta be kidding me!?" I couldn't believe that some of the people who used to pick on me were on this app talking to guys. I went back out of the app and decided to check out some other ones. After about 2 weeks, I stuck with 1 app that I could not get myself off of. The name was, "Jack'd". It was a very interesting app. It was way better than the other ones. I was addicted to this app as much as my Facebook. I at least talked to 8 guys per day. This app was good, but it had its dark sides. Apparently, you could have, "private pictures". Meaning you could upload nude pics of yourself and unlock them for a specific person to view them. I went along with the crowd and took some selfies. I wasn't afraid at all of someone seeing them. Around June, I met the most very interesting guy. His name was Cortez. He had the most sexiest, cutest, light brown faces I've seen. I definitely had to talk to him, and that's what happened. We started talking almost everyday and night. "So what type of guy are you interested in?", I asked him. "Mostly like the sweet, nice ones, they have to be funny." "Oh okay." "Yeah, kinda like you." "Ha, thanks." He goes, "So what do you like about me?" "Everything, you weird, which I like, your hot, you like anime, you like Japanese shit. You are just amazing." After I sent him that message, he started blushing and we exchanged numbers. After we got the numbers, we followed each other on Instagram. Me being me, and not wanting to get in a sticky situation, I went on Catfish, FBI mode and Googled the shit out of him. I needed to know if he was real or not. I know it sounds stalker-ish, but I had to know. I found his Facebook page, his Twitter page, his Tumblr page, his MySpace page, it was even Youtube videos. He was the real legit thing. Catfish the Tv Show just got in my head at the time. We started texting every night and day. From Goodmorning, to What You doing?, to how are you. We even sent each other pleasure picks. It got around to the time that I would actually meet him. Since it was Pride month, I thought that I would meet him at Pride since we both said we were going. Well I had a change of plans, my ride canceled and he couldn't go. The last day of Pride, which was on a Sunday, was the parade. I didn't have a ride to go, but he told me at the last second he did. I was a little pissed because I could've found a ride, but he didn't let me know in time, so I let it go. I tried going out again, this time inviting him to a café for some coffee and conversation. I told him the time and place. He agreed that he would be there. I got there around noon. I waited. 12:30 no show, no ring. 1:00 no show, no call. 1:30 no call, no show 2:30 still no show. It finally hit 3 when I decided to call him. "O, my bad, I just got back in from shopping with my dad." I hung up the phone pissed as hell. He stood me up for about 4 hours. It was a really bad day.

I was still talking to Cortez around July and August. It was the best and worst months. I tried to meet up with him 4 more times, and every time it was something with him. "O I can't." "I don't have a ride." "No Answer", "Sorry". I did not know if I could take it. I kept talking to guys on Jack'd. It was still an app of new guys and new conversations. I let a lot of guys see my private picks. Not realizing at the time that it was really stupid... And made me look like a whore. Cortez stopped talking to me for a few weeks. I don't know what happened. Something happened over the summer that changed my view forever. I went over my friend Jasmines house and just chilled at the park with a few people. Tateyana pulls up and I give her a hug and we both sit down on the swings. She asks me, "How has it been?" "You know what, I'm doing fine, but not my love life." "Whats the matter?" "Its this guy Cortez, we haven't talked in a couple of weeks and I don't know what happened." "Well let me see what he looks like." I go to his Instagram page, and I just lose it. It's pictures of him kissing some other dude. I storm off and chuck my phone across the park. Again with this. Loyalty don't mean shit. We don't talk for a couple of weeks and this what happens. I thought he was just getting his shit together or something. I just let him breathe for a bit. But, he went and did this shit to me, and then you post a picture of it. I was done and over it. I went to recover my phone and I deleted everything about him. His texts, gone, his number, deleted, Instagram, unfollow, Facebook, unfriend. I went in the world like I never met this dude in my life. A few days before my college classes had started, I got a text. "Hey what you doing today?" I text back, "Who Is This?". My phone vibrates, "Its Cortez, you deleted me?!" "Hell yeah I deleted you, you are a lying ass son of a bitch, I don't need this shit in my life, i'm done, if you want to sit and sulk then ask your, "Puerto Rican King" to cuddle you, and btw save the tears." "My Bae the Puerto Rican King", was the caption for the pictures. He didn't text back and until this day he hasn't.

I brought back Donovan into my life and he and I just kept getting closer. I tried to work things out with Bryce, but he in time, turned into an asshole. I was nobodies bitch. Bryce could kiss my ass. He kept flirting with me, to immediately break me down. He wasn't shit. You may have had the outer appearance, but your inner self just changed into something different, bad different. Donovan and I got close to the point of having sex. I wanted to make him scream, face down ass up, head bang against the board, but I couldn't because his mom was in the room next door. Apparently old habits die hard because, he stopped messaging me. It was going to be another repeat of last year. Maybe it was the fall weather or something. I stopped also with Jack'd I needed to get my head on straight. Also nobody could satisfy me the way Donovan did. I slept the nights we didn't talk upset and played Kelly Rowlands Dirty Laundry over and over again. I thought about going back to girls. Maybe it would of been different this time.

Now that apparently that Donovan didn't want to socialize with me, I kept wondering, where will my next thing come from?

The next guy I would meet, would be someone special. Someone that truly cared for me. Someone that I could message and he or she would send the message back, I love you.