Just Kidding

Clean

Taylor.

It's been a year since that night with Harry. The last night, I never thought I'd have with him.

Part of me always thought we'd have secret meetings and it would be fine. And the other part of me, the more rational part of me knew that what happened was for the best.

Now I'm dating Calvin Harris. Not my choice, of course, but it was my job. This time though, I was sure I would play it smart.

I'm not falling in love with anyone I didn't choose for myself. While Calvin does offer me a lot in the sense of a stable future and mutual feelings, there's just no....special feelings. No breathtaking moments or chills going down my spine when he touches me. It doesn't feel like love.

Maybe it's just me and what I've been exposed to. He was very polite to me, though. We chat about the small things and then go our separate ways. He understands what happened with my past relationships and doesn't try too hard for anything serious.

He's nice enough, considering what position we are in.

I'm happy, though. I feel content and okay for the time being. Harry was in love with Kendall, which is understandable. The only thing I'm unhappy about is how happy with her he is.

I'm curious as to what they do, that Harry and I never did. Because when I look, and do I look, at old pictures of us on my camera roll I see that he never looked as happy with me. He did look happy, but I remember he wasn't too happy.

It's like he was in a shell of some sort. Like he was trapped with a rope of safety. With Kendall, he looked free. His shoulders weren't harboring some fifty pound weight. He looked truly happy.

And then I felt bad.

Was he holding back with me? Did he not feel like he could be himself around me? I had to have answers but I knew I couldn't get them because after all, I was the one who said we shouldn't see each other anymore.

But I have to see him. I have to know what was going on.

~

Although I'm not happy about seeing him, I was kind of glad. I had notes written in my phone about what I wanted to ask him and I never knew it would be the same night that I'd get the chance.

I was supposed to be hanging out with Haim and then we run into Harry. It was a bit refreshing to see him again. He didn't look the same as the last time I saw him. He looked tired and grungy almost. He's letting his hair grow out, I see.

While they were talking about nonsense, I was inconspicuously listening while watching Harry talk. I'm not happy at all. I wasn't ready to see him. I can just picture all of the things running through his head and I know not one single thought is of me. I know that because he has yet to look at me since we arrived.

He's standing there, having his own fun, making jokes and listening to crazy stories. Once I worked up the courage to talk to him, he looked at me. I had to catch my breath when I saw those deep green eyes of his.

And then I pictured myself falling off of a waterfall and just listening to the water rushing down the rocky cliff. And then I opened my eyes and he wasn't looking at me anymore.

Then I became unhappy again.

There were flashing lights outside and then we figured it's best to leave. So he said goodbye and waved while walking out of the building. I looked at the cameras in the dark and turned my face, still sad that he didn't make some type of connection with me.

I don't know what I was expecting? A hug? A handshake? A kiss? A declaration of his undying love? I definitely know I wanted him to make eye contact with me and actually talk to me.

"Sorry, Tay."

By the time we moved on and decided to call it a night, I was even more depressed. It was dark outside and raining, and I didn't want to go home.

I wanted to see Harry. I wanted to be with him, touch him again. I can't shake this feeling. It's consuming me and I don't know what to do.

So I got in my car and drove away from the city. It started with just driving and somehow I ended up at the hiding place we used to go to.

It looked breathtaking in the dark. I got out of my car and climbed up the hill. When I got to the top I looked over the city lights and buildings of New York.

I pictured him driving here and meeting me on the top of the hill. Opening with a corny joke that only applies to us. Then I pictured myself running into his arms, begging for another chance to fall in love again.

But when I opened my eyes it was still raining and I was still alone on the top of what used to be.