Sitting on my bed like everything's fine. Thinking of nothing.
A sudden knock shifted me from blank thinking and transformed me into a submissive deviant woman- the very moment I saw Yoona, a sudden change of myself led her to scream with fear. But I locked the the door so no one would save her. I want revenge. I want to end her life the way she loses all the hope within me. The way she killed me alive.
She pleaded me not to kill her. Crying. Asking for forgiveness. But all the pain she caused me didn't allow her to. And so, I grabbed again the pen, not to stab myself but her. Countless stabs I made to lose her living. She deserved that- to be killed.
Yoona, seemingly dead, awakens. Fought back and led to broke the mirror. I, in an instant grabbed a piece of the sharp edges of the broken mirror. Blooded. Tempted to kill her. But again, she vanished. I thought, for the time- one of those many times- again, hallucinations. My hallucinations became stronger and more violent.
NICOLAI
It's been a month and no news I heard from anyone about Ara. I am thinking what might happened to us if those struggle didn't happen. Maybe we're just doing fine. Small arguments but doesn't last a day anyway. Maybe we are getting stronger. What if she didn't did those? What if she stays loyal like she ever did before? Oh' I was left with these thousands of maybes and millions of what ifs.
I miss Ara. The way her hand entwined with mine. Her head on my shoulder. The way her lips curves. Her laugh. Her presence that turns everything alive. Her twinkling eyes. Her soft movements. Her. Everything about her. What is she doing now? Is she happy? ... With Billy? How I wish I was with her. I won't waste any single second.
I felt I just lose her without me doing anything. I didn't even draft a way to know her side. I should've ask her. I should've known the truth. I should've let her admit her mistake, in that way, I would feel better- better than this. I felt hanging on cues. Full of questions unanswered. What have I done? That day Yoona told me about Ara and Billy, I felt jealous. Anger. Hatred. I want to die. I was restructured, for that day- was the day I planned to ask Ara to be my girl. I'll confess. Every feelings I had over her. But what had faced me was that pictures. I am a dumb meat for not even asking where did Yoona get those. How those photos captivated. What's the use of my being a law student, where in the first place, I don't even know when to apply my bein one.
I want to talk to Billy. Or Yoona Either of the two. I need to be clarified. I want to know the truth. Not the distorted one. I am ready- ready to face what ever outcomes me it may have.
ARA
I tried to contact Nicholai. It's been a month. But all efforts were futile. No more us. No more him. Hundreds of messages were sent but he didn't reply even to a single one. I've bomborded his phone with calls just because I wanted to reach him.
It's hopeless. Everyhing is hopeless. I just want to talk to him. Ask him why, what happened to us? It's almost there. I wanted to ask why? Why? I just wanted to say goodbye. Closure perhaps?
I should've told you how much you mean to me. I should've said I loved talking to you for hours. Those memories were so important for me. I should've said to you I loved staying up all night with you, dance with you during midnights.. Waiting for the sun to rise. I should've said I love seeing you before I slept and waking up and realizes everything is not a dream. I should've said the I love being with you and would love to spend every remaining seconds of my life with you. I love you. I've fallen inlove with you. I wish I can travel back in time where we're still okay- where everything is still in proper order. Shakepeare was right by saying 'The course of true love, never did run smooth'- what I am experiencing now is exactly what shakespeare looked how love walks. Never smooth. Never easy. Never lasting.. Because it is true. And everythhing that is true takes time, faces loops of sacrifices, hardships and downfalls. It takes couragement, purity and patience. That is what it takes to fall inlove.
I wish never allowed myself to feel anything- wanting to forget this real thing. If only I knew from the beginning that it would hurt this much, I wish I never knew how to love.
5 months later
After what she did, I never imagined that Yoona has the guts to see me personally, and the worst thing there is, she went to our house. My mother welcomed her without knowing that, that girl just betrayed her daughter and caused to lose her love.
She went inside our house like everything is normal. She's acted comfortable like she always does. I wanted to ask her, "How dare you?", but I didn't because it wasn't her fault to felt that way. Despite the unbearable pain you just throw to me, I can't believe I still care for you.
"What are you doing here?" I asked her, and stared a her. Cold.
"Just wanted to visit you. We're best of friends, right?-" she answered- her eyes glinted.
"Well, that's an interesting story Yoona." I said, pleasantly- sarcastically.
"It's very boring, to listen to your troubles.." She went on. "But I was patient. So I listen back. I was sympathetic, I was kind on you. Then you came to like me and you tagged me as your only bestfriend." She laughed.
"Where's your conscience, Yoona? I treated you well-"
Yoona smile broadened.
"I'm so glad I have a friend to confide with. But that was before." I continued softly.
Yoona laughed, for the second time, a high, cold laugh that didn't suit her. It made my hairs stand back on the back of my neck.
"If I say it myself, Ara, I never failed to charm the people I hated. So you poured everything I needed, to know your weakness and uses it against you. Everything happened as what I wanted it to be." She laughed his high laugh again.
I can feel my fists were clenched, my nails digging deep into my palms.
"How could you do this to me?" I said, in a quite voice full of hatred.
It seemed that she was already controlled by her insecurities. I still understood her and even asked if we could still- Be the bestfriends we were once before all of this happened. She cried. I felt really bad for making her feel bad. So in the end, I am still the one who was sorry. I looked at her widely, with concern, and move to her closer- to wipe her tears. But she moved her face away as she refuses. And she went down. I don't know what was running on her mind.
I wanted to bring my bestfriend back. But I know in exchange was my love. After all - I wanted to tell Yoona that I would help her win him. I acted like a warrior so she wouldn't be so devastated anymore. But I wouldn't.. because I couldn't.
Though it was impossible to handle, crying while begging, I myself couldn't even believe I was brave enough to do that. It's unfair that after all this time I'm still the one chasing you eventhough you were the one who needs to be sorry for what you've done to me.
〰
NICOLAI
Later, we came to know that Ara's mother died this morning. There was a thief who intended to enter their house and stole their luxurious belongings. Her mother fought back and so she was killed by the thief. Fortunately, their neighbors heared the noise coming from their house and instantly called a police. But like on movies, they were late, always.
After knowing what had happened, I headed instantly on the hospital they said to be the place where the mother of Ara was embalming. Outside the morgue, I saw Ara weeping. Weak. I can no longer see brightness on her eyes. I can see how bereaved she was. I knew. She was left by everyone. Her bestfriend. Her family. And even me. We left her- Alone. She has no one to confide with. I can feel how doomed she was.
I wanted to hugged her. I wanted to tell her that she's not alone- that I'm still here. But somethig inside me says not to. And I just watch her. The whole night- she was just crying, she never stopped crying.
2 a.m
I woke up as I heared a noise coming from the chair where Ara was sitted the whole night. I glanced on the place, Ara is no longer there. I ask the nurse where she is but they didn't saw her. I walked around the ward. I saw her on the chapel. Crying, again. When she stood up, I rapidly hide on my place and followed her. She looked better now. She's smiling. Her smile was scary. She looked at her back. I guess she notice me. But I hide quickly and she continued walking.
