I started thinking of suicide. Suicides of my loved ones, suicides of myself! Anything that could possibly bring me to tears and take my soul for a ride.
I actually am not afraid of death. I do not mind the thought of it, but sometimes it breaks my heart when I see people in my head crying about death. I don't care much for my safety or health, I really couldn't care less. But if it's someone I love, for example, Frank! It kills me to know that they are not okay.
Frank hasn't really told me much about his problems, neither have I, but I can see through the window of his eyes that he has a lot to confess and release.
My thoughts are gonna kill me now. They are gonna take over me. Oh no! Fuck, there's always got to be a way for depression to go away! Anti-depressants never really help me at all, I kind of just feel the same. Another flood of tears come out stinging my eyes. I cry and weep into my pillow so it sounds muffled so no body can hear me.
"Ahhhhhhh!" I scream into the pillow to release anger and pain. "Fuuuuuuuuuck!" I scream again. I hope no body can hear me. My heart aches. Before I could let out another scream I hear a knock on my door. I jump. Then it opens. "Hey Gerard," I could tell it was Frank, "sorry I left my jac-" he paused. Shit, I don't want him to see me cry.
"Gerard! Are you okay?!" He raised his voice. It almost seemed he was shocked. He gripped my shoulders and pulled me up. The breeze hit the wet tears on my face.
"Gee! Baby! What's wrong? What happened?" He tried not to shout and said innocently trying to help.
"I don't know!" I replied, my voice shaking. My nose was blocked from crying. My eyes were red and my eyes were always green whenever I cried. Frank touched my face and looked at me empathetically. He kissed my cheek and held me in his arms. I leaned my head on his shoulder.
He whipped my tears with his thumb and kissed my hair.
"My little sweet mess. Why are you crying?" He said in a low tone of voice. I breathed trying to laugh. I couldn't without my eyes tearing up. I started to cry again, fuck. I sulked into Frank's chest and cried and cried for about two minutes.
Frank stroking my hair, whipping my tears from my eyes, kissing my head. He suddenly pulled me off his chest and made me look at his face. I sniffed and whipped my eyes and sniffles a little more.
"Gee babe, what happened?" He asked once again. I better tell him. Just a little, not all. I sighed.
"My depression came over me as soon as you left. I just had thoughts and memories, you know?" I replied trying to make it all go away as quick as I could.
"You know you can talk to me whenever and about whatever! I'm not here to judge. I love you for you." He said still with a deep tone...
As time dragged on, my eyes were still stinging from all that crying. I was in Ang's office room. She wanted to speak with me for some reason.
"I'm so sorry I haven't gotten to speak with you for a little." She expected me to say something. No, piss off. She thinks she can play around with my head like that.
"So how have you been? Do you like it here?" She asked me. I didn't answer I just sat there and rolled my eyes.
"Gerard?" She raised her voice a little bit.
"What!" I shouted.
"You need to answer me. Okay?" She announced, sitting up straight with her legs crossed and her clipboard resting on her knee.
"Well you haven't told me why I'm here!" I told her. Will she ever tell me. Wouldn't be surprised if she won't.
"The thing is, I can't exactly tell you why you're here." She looked a bit disappointed, and I was angry.
"Why not!?" I shouted once again. Fucking hell, I've been waiting for her to tell me.
"Well can you at least tell me how I even ended up here? All I remember is waking up in darkness!" I explained. What? Was I a freak? Was I trying to kill myself like Frank told me he was doing that's how he ended up here? Was I a psycho killer? What? Fucking tell me Ang!
"I can't really tell you. The reason I can't is because I have no idea what your reaction might be. It might scare you, it might scar you, it might even remind you." She told me. What the fuck? Now she's just making me even more curious.
"So, how do you like it here?" She asked again. I rolled my eyes and sighed.
"I don't know. I made two friends." I told her. I blushed as I thought of Frank and I kissing.
"Oh that's great! What are their names?" She asked.
"Frank and Ray." I replied, swinging my feet.
"Great!" She said writing something on the paper.
"Have you experienced anything unusual lately?" She asked another question. What does she mean, unusual? Shes unusual if that's what she means. I laughed out loud at my train of thought by accident. Crap.
"Um, no." I said. She looked at me, trying to suss me out. What's up her arse? Jeesus. I gave her a dirty look so we were even. Screw her, she annoys me...
