e d i t

chapter twenty-three

Eli's apartment
yn
five-twenty-three, Friday December twenty-sixth, twenty-sixteen

I sighed and wiped away another tear as I folded one of Eli's shirts and plopped it into a box. I was almost done packing up all his things, the day I returned, I found my stuff (clothes, books, etc) packed away under his bed, I guess I had assumed he went on a rampage and threw them out but he hadn't, he had just stored them for me. I sat down on the floor in defeat, tears streaming down my face, staring into the half-empty closet, the way it always had been, a mixture of his and my clothes. I wasn't sure if I could live here, if I could sleep in that bed we had shared or eat breakfast at the kitchen table we had sat at every morning, I wasn't sure if I could do it.

But I was doing it anyways, for him I guess.

Just because I broke up with him didn't mean I didn't love him.

I looked down at the white carpet and watched as one of my tears fell down onto it. It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining, the birds were chirping, but everything was a little bit darker without him here. I ruffled my hair and dragged it on top of my head before sniffling and standing back up. I carried the box down to the kitchen and plopped it at the counter, where I sat down, and looked at the clock.

(5:28)

I sighed, absolutely dreading the idea of showing up to the party held at Tim and Ross and Max's apartment. I decided against showing up and instead chose to take a bath. I walked to the upstairs bathroom, ran the hot water, stripped myself of my clothes, and took a step in. I sat down, and eventually laid down, tilting my head against the back of the tub and closing my eyes. Breathing in and out,

in and out

in and out

(in) in and out (out)

(in and out) out

in and (Eli!) out

(in and) Eli! (out)

(In and out) and blood

(in and blood) out

(Eli) and out and death

and squeaaaaaalll-

I snapped my eyes open, breathing heavily and staring at the ceiling, I drew my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them, pinching myself on the arm.

(This pain is real)

(This is real)

The doctors told me I might experience panic attacks, they told me that a situation like such that I was in causes serious trauma that can only be healed by time and willingness to forgive and believe me I was trying to forgive myself, I was.

My breathing calmed and I stopped hyperventilating, so I unplugged the bath, stepped out, dried myself off and walked to the closet, where I saw Eli's clothes. I turned towards mine, squeezing my eyes shut.

I grabbed a long sleeve, army green top that was cut off right over the belly button, pulled on a black skater skirt, the waistband of which stopped under my belly button so only a sliver of my stomach was showing, put on some white sneakers and pulled my hair back in two Dutch braids. I threw on some makeup, avoiding that of which Eli used to like, and grabbed my black purse, slipping my phone into it. I rushed to my car, trying to avoid the cold air but failing miserably as I was chilled waiting for my car to heat up, and drove myself to Max's.

Time heals all wounds,

You gotta forgive yourself-

and you gotta forgive yourself and I'm not going to stop myself from doing what I would've wanted to do before his death- because he was no longer a part of my life-

(I think- I think it's time for you to move on from everything)
It was hard to believe that was only said to me less than a week ago.

(I think you should be where you want to be, doing what you want to do, because those who want to be with you will still be with you even if you leave,)

"Even if they leave," I said aloud to myself, Max was right, more so than he could even know.

+Time skip thanks to agent zedd+

"Hey (y/n)!" Tim said, pulling me into a hug and closing the door behind me, he had a red solo cup filled with liquid that was undoubtedly alcoholic.

"Hey Tim-tim!" I replied, smiling a not necessarily fake smile,

"oohhhh MAAAXXXXX!" He called over his shoulder, from within the household I could hear people talking, there was some music playing and some laughter sounded from up and past a banister. I heard footsteps padding towards us and out of the kitchen came Max, bearing the same cup Tim had.

"Oh!" He said at the top of the stairs, his face lighting up, "Hey (y/n), glad you could make it!" He walked down the stairs, passing Tim as he walked up them, and pulled me into a hug. I pecked him quickly on the lips and he grabbed me by the hand, pulling me up the stairs and towards the party. I walked into the dining room, where there were about fifteen-ish people, sitting around playing super smash bros. I immediately recognized Tim, Ross, Adam and Emily, all of which greeted me happily from their spots on the couch,

"Can I grab you a drink?" Max asked, I nodded and he scampered off towards the kitchen.

I was a little overwhelmed I must say, but happy. Adam waved me over and pulled me into a hug, where he introduced me to some people,

"Here's Ethan," He said, a tall muscley guy smiled and waved, "Corey, Other Corey, Jake, Emily-"

"I already know who she is!" Emily interrupted him without looking away from the screen, she was fiercely battling Ross, and from the looks of it she was winning.

"Idrys, Jess, Shelby and Tyler!" Everyone took their turns waving and smiling, I stifled a little "hey" and a wave.

"Idrys, jess, Shelby and Tyler don't live near us so this is a rare occurrence" He said happily,  

"Glad I could make it!"

I felt someone's arm land on my shoulder and I turned to see a man with red hair, leaning on my shoulder, his legs crossed over eachother, "Why hello there," He said,

"Hey," I eyed his hair, which was red. "OOhhhh, you must be red,"

"I must be, you must be (your twitter username lmao), the one Max is always tweeting to?"

"I must be-" I said smiling,

Max came out of the kitchen holding two drinks, handed me mine smiling before turning to red with a straight face and punching him- jokingly- right in the stomach, Red laughed and dodged between people, plopping on the floor in front of Emily.

Although I don't like to admit it, it was a good way to start moving on.