Anxiety

An update

I have a boyfriend. Amazing right? Somebody who has so much anxiety that she gets an anxiety attack when she even goes to Walmart, GETS A BOYFRIEND. He knows and respects my anxiety and depression. He understands most of it, so I am grateful for that. However, as wonderful as he is, my anxiety has eased, but my depression is not so good. I am so happy when it comes to the man I am with, but so sad when I think of the fact that I finally have something good, but I feel like I ruin it more and more everyday. We each have our faults, but with my depression and state of mind, I blame myself for his problems and the wrong doings on his end. I blame myself for all of it, even when I have nothing to do with it. So, It's sad to think that I get something so good, and I create problems and proceed to blame myself for more then what's in my control.

   My home life got a lot worst once I got something good as well. Things are so fair, right? So my crazy grandparent got worst, more mean and cruel, and what does the state say? SHE DOESN'T QUALIFY FOR A NURSING HOME! If she were to live on her own for even a week, She will end up dead by not being able to care for herself.  So she is making things worst for my mother and calling my family names and calling my dad and brother names and being cruel. I block out what I can.

  People say that when someone has dementia, to not take the mean things they say "personal." Like, they expect you to be okay with your mother being called a bitch by her own mother daily. Having your brother threatened by your grandmother, having both parents be called stupid daily by your own grandmother. Its not okay. You should not be okay with being screamed at and having to lock yourself alone in a room so you can cry. It's not okay. And to have depression from it and have people expect you to "get over it" is not okay either. My mom now has bad depression from these events that happen multiple times a day, everyday, for the last year, in her own home. And my being so close to my mother, having her be so depressed she thinks bad things about herself and thinking harmful things towards herself, makes me very upset. You want to make her okay and make her feel better, but there is nothing you can do. It starts to make you feel hopeless.

   I have started to feel almost like I live a double life. The outside world, Basically everybody around me but the close people, see a happy girl. A smile. A girl goofing off with her boyfriend all happy being the way one is supposedly supposed to be. But then only my mom and boyfriend see the sad me, the real me. The one who feels so sad because she can't make the bad go away and can't make things better. So remotely out of my control, and I feel like I should help. So, not even my dad or brother who is like my best friend see my depression. They know I have it, but I don't allow them to see it. It makes me feel like I'm living a lie. A double life.

   To all who have read it this far and who have read my previous chapters, 1. Thank you for reading and voting and leaving kind comments. 2. This new write is everywhere but my mind is a mess and so isn't my heart. I just wanted to write away my thoughts and feelings like I used to always do.

   In order to leave this post on a slightly more positive note, I should say, Not only did I gain a boyfriend this year, but I gained another family. I have to be grateful for these things as they are one of the few things that stick around. My family and my new family.

   And a big thank you and lots of true gratitude to everyone who read. When I wrote this, I had bad anxiety. Over the last year, I have worked my a** off to get past it or to at least be a little less anxious. I am proud to say I mainly met that goal. Anxiety is a rarity now. However, I may make a new book for my depression. Although the anxiety has reduced, the depression is up. So, to those who liked my writing and hopes to help people, please look for an upcoming book. Please, please know that it gets better. We all have our demons inside us to face, some will never understand the struggles of others, but there is always a somebody who gets it. And maybe they haven't felt the way you do, but if they are there for you and have your best interest at heart, then keep those people in your own heart and mind. It's okay and it will always be okay. Breath and remember that you got this. Thank you all.