Anxiety

Defense Mechanism

"Sometimes, when I say 'I'm fine', I want someone to look me in the eyes and say, 'Tell me the truth.'
-Unknown (everyone.)

Its horrible.. It's ment to push AWAY anxiety. But sometimes, It causes anxiety. For me, it causes it. Horribly. It won't go away. No. Not until my anxieties go away. Ha!
Basically, 'My' defense mechanism is that I ALWAYS feel watched. I ALWAYS 'feel' a presence. Im always scared there's someone in the house. I've had this for quite some time. Only recently did I get it REALLY bad. And only recently did I research it. Its a defense mechanism. It gets really bad when I get really emotional because of my anxiety or because I'm emotional at the thoughts of my anxiety and how its affecting me. (Badly.) I then am TERRIFIED of it. I always am. I've had it for 1-2 years but only as of last week did I get it HORRIBLY. I was really, really sad and worked up because of my depression and anxiety and I felt it. I felt that presence. I felt watched. I felt like someone was in my house, ready to hurt me. It became so strong I was petrified. Never in my life have I EVER felt like that. And then it happened again the other night. It wasnt as bad as before, but enough so I wished I was sleeping. Wished it would go away. Prayed for strength to get through it. It was so bad that night. You see, I have sleeping problems. I don't sleep until between 3-4a.m on a normal basis. But I was up until 6:30a.m that night. Crying, researching it with the lights on, getting a headache but not having strength or control enough of my body to take Tylenol. As if it wasn't bad enough that I had to use the bathroom every hour. Literally. Meaning leaving the safety of my bed, which still didn't feel safe at all. I got 3-4 hours of sleep that night. It was horrible. That feeling Is something you NEVER want. EVER!
I feel that presence and feeling of being watched every night. But it has yet to be as bad as that night. I hope it never is.
   -Nerd