Tempted (#Wattys2015)

Tempted:30:

*Justin*

Sunday morning:
July 1st

9:13 AM

I couldn't stand it anymore, I still hadn't told her. I had already lied to her about it, and now I was the one carefully watching around us when we went out, hoping we didn't see a familiar face. I had already told her mom when Bella wasn't around just so she knew, and she agreed that I shouldn't tell Bella yet.

But I had to.

"Good morning." Bella came up behind me, wrapping her arms around my waist and kissed my cheek.

"Morning." I weakly smiled, sliding a hand over hers.

"It smells really good Mom."

"Thanks." Christine smiled, putting the last chocolate chip pancake on a plate. "You ate them all the time when you were little."

"What kid doesn't love chocolate?" She asked, letting go of me, but snatched up my hand and pulled me over to the table.

"Here you go." She laughed, shaking her head as she put pancakes on my plate, Bella's, and then hers.

"Thank you." I smiled at her, feeling my stomach rumble, memories flooding back into my brain of when my mom had made me these when I was little.

I'd sit at the breakfast bar and kick my feet, watching her eagerly as she cooked them on the stove - and Jaxon was always beside me with my dad at the end, sitting there with his coffee and talking to Mom.

I missed it. I missed it all so much...it didn't even seem like my life anymore.

I missed Mom so much, but I was a disappointment. I let her down, she didn't even have to tell me for me to know that. I just pushed her away.

I push everyone away.

"They're already setting up for that concert down there." Christine said, just in time for me to catch a look from Bella.

"Really?" I chirped, plastering a smile on my face so Bella wouldn't get suspicious, or start asking me what was wrong.

"Yeah, it's some band called The Summer Set or something."

"No way." Bella froze, forgetting about me once she heard the name. "You're serious right? It's not the wrong name or anything?"

"No, it's the right name." Christine nodded, watching Bella like I was. "Why?"

"Because I really like them." She admitted sheepishly, sticking a piece of her pancake in her mouth.

"We can go if you want." I told her, meeting her gaze since the first time I looked away.

"Really?!"

"Yeah, of course."

"You said Fourth of July?" Bella looked back at Christine, who smiled at both of us, nodding her head. "That's two days."

"It'll be fun."

"I can't wait." She giggled, glancing down at the beach before she popped another piece of her pancake in her mouth.

So did that mean I told her today like I planned, or waited until the end of the week.

Shit. What was I going to do? I couldn't wait much longer, she'd just be angrier and she didn't need that on top of everything else. She's finally happy, and here she's forgotten about what happened almost two weeks ago.

I had brought her into hell, and when I tried to get her out, she was sucked right back in. I should be getting al of the suffering for this. Hell, I had gotten all of the suffering for this, but she's taking it away, maybe not on purpose, but she is. My burden is slowly drawing itself from her, to me. You think I'd feel better about that, but I don't. No matter how light the load gets, more is piled on top of it. Everybody around me takes something. Everything I touch is somehow destroyed.

What if I'm the reason she dies? What if I accidently pull her into something I can't help get her out of. I'd never forgive myself, I'd probably die soon after.

I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about it. With all the drugs and messed up things I had done, that would have killed me. I wouldn't have my family back - well partly because of my mom, but I planned on calling her, I planned on bringing Bella with me to meet her. She'd been asking for so long, and it was only fair. I can't live the rest of my life without my mom.

These past few years I've just felt lonely, that I was some ugly monster, which I was. We all knew that. I've killed people, I've done almost everything in the book except gone to jail, and that's only because I wasn't caught. I could still go.