Tempted (#Wattys2015)

Tempted:32:

*Justin*

Next day:

10:38 AM

"Be careful." I said to Jazzy, laughing at her as she licked her ice cream cone, glancing quickly at Bella, then down at mine.

I was only happy for Jazzy, she didn't know, Jaxon didn't know, and I couldn't say anything. They had to tell them, sure Jazzy wouldn't understand, but they still deserved to know.

And my dad? My dad was going over to help my mom with everything? Since when...I didn't even know they were getting along, or maybe he just offered, but still.

It was weird.

"You have a sprinkle on your nose." Bella said to Jazzy, wiping it away with her thumb, the sound of her little giggles filling the air.

Maybe I'd try to stay with Mom for a while, to help take care of her. Bella would be gone soon in New York, so maybe closer to then. I didn't have a job right now, but I had money to manage, and if I moved in with Mom it would make everything easier for both of us.

I just had so much time to make up for with my mom, with Jazzy and Jaxon. A part of me hated myself, for giving up so easily, for doing everything I did.

I couldn't shake the idea of losing my mom, I understand she hadn't been a part of my life for some time now, but she was still there then. She wasn't really gone...but she did say she had a good chance...unfortunatley, there was still the other chance.

"Justin!" Jazzy giggled, pulling my attention to her. "It's melting! Eat it!"

"Oh, right." I chuckled at her, lifting up my ice cream cone, feeling Bella's gaze, but I didn't look, I couldn't look.

There wasn't any reason for me to get upset in front of Jazzy,and I knew I would. I'd get angry and scare my sister, and she's just now a part of my life again. I'm not risking that more than I already have.

So I was the first to finish, swallowing the taste of the vanilla and tossed my napkin in the trash, laughing again at Jazzy.

"I don't understand how you manage to get it all over your face."

"It's yummy." She giggled, squinting up her face.

"I know it is, but you're wearing it."

"I'm saving it for later."

"Oh I bet you are." I kissed her cheek, hugging her little body to me. "I love you."

"I love you too."

________________________________

*Bella*

I stared at the boxes in front of me, nibbling on my lip, all of my fall clothes were already in the tubs, and then there was my sheets and things I had gone and gotten with Dad today.

It would be easier to shop a little outside of New York, that way it wasn't as expensive either.

"What about this?" Justin asked, holding up a familiar book from where he sat on the floor.

"Wait, no!" I flew over to him, snatching it up out of his hands as he was about to open it and hugged it to my chest. "This is my journal."

"You keep a journal?"

"Not really anymore." I shrugged, my eyes hardening as he started to laugh. "Hey, I have certain things in here that would piss you off."

"Yeah, like what?"

"I'm not telling you, because you're making fun of me."

"I am not!"

"Yes you are." I opened up one of the boxes, setting the journal inside, then snapped it shut again. "And now you don't get to know."

"Bella, you can't do that!"

"But I did."

"Baby, come on." He whined throwing his head back while leaning against my bed. "Tell me!"

"What do you want to know?"

"I don't know."

"Exactly." I playfully rolled my eyes, looking at him from where I stood for a minute longer. "I'm going to get Oreos and then we can watch a movie...if you want."

"As long as you're bringing the Oreos back."

"I am." I bit down on my lip, disappearing out of my room and down the hall, humming to myself, listening to it echo.

I don't really remember the last time
Justin was allowed to be in my house without sneaking in - or awithout my dad here.

I grabbed the Oreos from the pantry, ducking back to my room and saw Justin already plopped down on my bed, giving me the famous once over before I hopped beside him.

"What do you want to watch?" He asked as I pulled back the tab, curling myself up into his side.

"I'm not sure. We can find something on demand."

"Now, should we find something worth watching, or something we won't mind missing?"

I immediately flushed, popping one of the cookies in my mouth for an excuse not to talk and shrugged.

"Fine, we'll find a movie to watch, anything you want."

"No. You always let me pick and that's not fair - and then if you do pick, you pick something I'd like so it doesn't even matter."

"That's because I'm being a good boyfriend and I like making you happy."

I blushed again, letting a small aw escape my lips, then pecked his, cupping his cheek in my palm.

"Pick the movie Justin."

"No."

"Please?" I pouted, leaning into his face again, moving my thumb along his cheek. "If you don't things will get very complicated."

"Fine, I'll pick the movie." He let out whatever breath he had been holding in, smiling again, adding another to the handful I had counted all day - and I even topped it off by taking out a cookie and holding it out for him, which he gladly took between his lips.

"See, isn't a cookie so much better than smoking?"

Justin gave me one of those looks, making me laugh while he swallowed his cookie and shook his head.

"There is no need for sarcasm. I quit for you and you made me almost go three weeks without kissing me, so I have been through enough."

"Oh? I thought the other night made up for that, my bad." I shrugged, hearing his laughter in my ear again, managing to scoot myself closer.

"No, it definitely did, but still."

"I thought so." I handed him the pack of cookies, snaking my arms around his torso and rested my head on his chest, closing my eyes to the sound of his heart beat, the way he breathed.



Once the movie started, he held back onto me, sitting the Oreos off to the side and rested his lips in my hair.

"Your room looks weird with these boxes." He mumbled, sweetly kissing my head.

"I know. Soon it will be close to empty...I didn't think it would settle in this early."

"What? That you're leaving?"

"Yeah." My voice softened, playing with his hand in mine. "But I'm not that far."

"Far enough...but that's ok."

"I don't want to leave you..." I bit down on my lip, distracting myself with his hands.

"Bella, I'll be fine."

"I don't believe you."

"I'll miss you, but I really will be ok. I was alone before."

"That's my point." I murmured, my eyes flickering up just for a moment and met his, seeing a change in his eyes, feeling a small pit of guilt brewing in my stomach.

"It's different now."

I didn't know how to respond to that, so I stayed silent, holding my breath as his face nestled into mine - like how those cute puppies you saw do it, if you know what I mean.

But I wasn't so sure about that either honestly.

"There's us too." I whispered, now closing my eyes.

"We'll be ok, I'll visit you...just now some weekends I might stay home - because of mom, but I'll do what I can."

"You have your classes too."

"Yeah, exactly. At first it just might be a lot of FaceTime dates." He sighed, stroking my hair that I had in my ponytail while I snuggled closer, sneaking my head under his chin.

"But you're still coming with me when I go, right? Like to help me with everything."

"Of course. I wouldn't miss that."

"I still have to tour the campus again. I'm really nervous."

"Knowing you, you'll be ok."

With a finally sigh, I breathed into his neck, knowing that was probably all I'd get out of him.

Ever since he'd found out about his mom, he'd been a little distant from me, unusually quiet, and just not all there...but I got why.

I knew he was upset, but he wasn't talking about it, he didn't want to, he was doing that thing where he kept it all bottled up and hidden away.

I felt like I was using everything I could to keep his doors open.


I knew too we'd also be quiet for the rest of the movie. He was thinking, and so was I.

Right now, we were in two different worlds.

_______________

*Justin*

I stared into my closet, eyeing the guitar as it seemed to mock me, memories flashing through my mind of how happy I was when I got it for Christmas, how happy my parents were watching me from the couch.

The Christmas before things started changing, before it felt like my world had shattered into a million pieces.

It was days like this I wanted to disappear, that I wanted to curl up and just sleep only to never wake up, where I wanted to fold up into myself and forget everything.

I had that urge to forget, I knew what helped me, but I couldn't have those things.

Those are the kind if things that have Bella the scars she had, the ones that would never go away - because of me.

Now who knows when he's coming back, my mom was sick, and I can't even think straight.

Everything had been going to perfect, and then boom, my world was snatched up from right under my feet, and it took me with it.

What would I do if I lost my mom? What if these treatments didn't work and I ended up helping her funeral, filling Jazzy's mind with memories in ten years, watching her grow up without her mom and date, not having that person to talk to, to cry to - wondering what everything could have been - like me.

Mom's at home by herself, Bella's probably getting ready to go to sleep, and I'm here alone too.

I would have stayed with Bella of course, but I honestly just wasn't in the mood tonight.

She was begging for some sort of attention, and these past couple of days I couldn't give it to her, even knowing I was running out of time.


I threw myself up from where I sat, slamming my door shut to my closet so I didn't have to look at that damn guitar anymore, pacing through my room and tugged at the ends of my hair, then when straight to where I had all of my pictures behind my tv, throwing on of Dad and I across the room, feeling my lip quiver up in a snarl.

If he would have just paid more attention to her those last few months, if he would have come home for dinner, if he wouldn't have agreed to all those extra shifts...I'd still have my family. I wouldn't be the piece of shit I am now.

I stormed back to my keys from where I had sat them on the counter early, then went into my room, grabbing one of my backpacks and shoved some clothes in it, then my deodorant, zipping it up and threw it over my shoulder.

I wasn't staying here by myself.

___________________

9:13 PM

"Justin?" Mom answered, an eyebrow arched as she stood at the door. "What are you doing here?"

"I didn't want to be alone." I admitted, holding onto the straps on each of my shoulders. "Can I stay with you tonight?"

This surprised her, but the corners of her lips turned into a smile, swiftly stepping aside to let me in.

"Your Dad just left actually, he brought Jazzy and Jaxon over for a while tonight."

"When are you going to tell them?" I turned my head, sitting my backpack down in one of the chairs and shoved my hands in my pockets.

"I did, that's why they came."

"Oh..."

I hadn't heard from Jaxon, so maybe he was taking it the same way I am.

"Jazzy's just too young..."

"When will you know? If it's gone I mean."

"Not for a couple of more months, after the treatments."

I nodded, staring down at my shoes, rocking on my heels, but when I looked up again I really saw how tired she looked, how I possibly had woken her up from sleeping.

"Oh, I'm sorry, we should go to sleep. I didn't mean-"

"Justin, it's ok. Don't worry about it. You're welcome here anytime."

"Thanks." I softy smiled, pecking her cheek.

"Are you ok?"

"I guess so." I shrugged, my hands sinking deep into my pockets. "My apartment just gets lonely after a while."

"I know what you mean...there isn't really a guest room here though, so there is the couch, or if you don't still mind sleeping with your mom."

"I don't mind." That alone made me chuckle, and I saw her eyes brighening, and then she really smiled, mouthing an 'Ok,' before she turned around, nodding her head for me to follow her.

I was already in sweats and a t-shirt, and since this was my mom, I'd keep them on.

"I'm sorry if I fall asleep fast. It's kind of a regular things these days."

"It's ok." I kissed the side of her head, crawling in after her, snuggling up as close as I could.

"I remember when you were little you'd curl yourself right up into me and have me sing to you until you fell asleep."

"Yeah, I remember that."

"You were such a cute kid."

I smiled for a moment at that remark, feeling her fingers running through my hair, guilt rushing through my body.

"Mom?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm so sorry - for everything I've ever done to you Mom, for pushing you away. I'm so sorry." For the first time since I had found out, I felt like it was ok to cry, to actually be upset, and for once not feeling angry.

"Honey, I know it wasn't easy. I could have tried to keep you closer a little harder, but you were growing up - I mean, look at you. You're not my little boy anymore."

"Mom, I'm the farthest thing from that person these days."

"I don't believe that. I saw you with Bella, that was my son."

"I've done things that you wouldn't be proud of Mom. You'd be so disappointed in me."

"No matter what you've done or what you do, you're still my son and I love you, do you understand me?"

I nodded my head, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand.

"Mom, what if I lose you? What am I going to do? It's been three years of phone calls and Christmas' alone with the same thing for birthdays, and now that I feel like I'm on the right path again, you could be leaving soon."

"No, I'm not leaving." She shook her head, running her hands along my back. "It's just another obstacle we have to get through, but we'll do it."

I couldn't answer that, because if I was scared, she had to be too, probably even more than I was.

It's not like I could talk to Bella about this either. As much as she wanted to understand, she didn't.

But I knew she was only trying to help.

"Hey Mom, can we go out for coffee tomorrow? You know like we used to? If you're feeling ok at least."

"Yeah, sure. I'd love that."

______________________

*Bella*

"Are you ok?" Josh asked me, turning his head from the fridge, which usually he had his head buried in, but I guess the way I was playing with the cereal in my bowl and not eating it was a distraction.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I shrugged, keeping my eyes on the cereal so I didn't have to meet his gaze.

"You don't seem fine."

"It's just not really the summer I imagined it would be."

"Why do you say that?"

"Why wouldn't I?"

"Oh...right...well where's Justin?"

"I don't know." I shrugged again, letting my spoon fall in my bowl. "He hasn't answered my texts or calls. I'm giving him space I guess...it's not like I called a hundred times. I texted twice and called once, as much as I want to try again I'm not...he just needs space right now."

"Are you fighting with him?"

"No, not at all actually...he just has family stuff going on."

I couldn't tell him that Pattie had cancer, odds are Justin would get mad, especially telling Josh. He's still mad at him for telling my dad everything, even if it was for the right reasons, it sure did put us in a hell of a tough spot.

"Oh, gotcha."

I nodded, finally scooping up a bite of cereal and checked my phone for the hundredth time, but of course nothing had changed.

I just prayed he hadn't done something stupid, that he was ok and home, resting hopefully...that he hadn't been out all night with the perfect excuse to fall back into his old ways...

The old Justin is what frightened me, how he got when things were kept inside, how he seemed so distant and far away...so...different.

I was almost at the point where I wanted to go to his apartment just to check on him, but I didn't want to anger him...I'd barely seen him for the past week.

Even I knew he was slowly closing in on himself.

_________________________

*Justin*

"How is she, Bella?" Mom asked, picking at the muffin we were sharing.

"She's good. Packing for college already."

"Really? When does she leave?"

"August 16th...but I'm going up with her for a few days."

"Wow, only a month left already..."

"I know." I sighed, chewing on the inside of my lip. "I want to do something really nice with her before she goes, I just don't know what. I figured maybe I'd just take her shopping in New York."

"She would love that." Mom laughed, nodding her head. "I'm sure she'd love the company for the first few days. Where is she staying?"

"She has an apartment, so that's nice. She doesn't have to worry about a roommate."

"Just you."

"Sometimes." I scoffed at that, keeping my eyes out on the window. "I'm scared for her to leave honestly."

"Why?"

"Because it's a new chapter in her life. She is going out to face this big crazy world - and she's going without me. I'm not going to be there...I'm scared of growing apart, and having to let her go."

"I know it's scary, but so is love, and obviously you know how powerful it is, and something that powerful I don't think can be broken so easily."

"It seemed easy for you and Dad."

I regretted it the moment I said it, watching hurt fill her eyes, but that's what I had gone all these years thinking...

They gave up.

What if I gave up?

What if Bella gave up on me?

"Your father and I's relationship is complicated Justin."

"Mom, who's isn't?"

"It was different."

"You guys loved each other."

"I still love your father, very much," She finally looked back up at me, tears welled in her eyes. "I will for the rest of my life, he gave me you, and he gave me your brother and sister, but it was a battle I couldn't fight."

"And why not?"

"Because he's the one that gave up. When someone raises the white flag, that's it. You let them go, no matter how much it hurts."

"But he loves you Mom." I protested, watching her wipe under her eyes. "I've heard it, I've seen it. He didn't give up."

"Justin...this is-"

"Mom, I've gone four years without answers. I deserve answers."

"You were out that night, the night we decided. I knew you had snuck off, but your father didn't. He insisted on being harder on you, on keeping you close. I refused to do that, because I knew you'd run more, you'd fight back harder. We fought about everything, you knew that. Eventually I learned to keep my mouth shut, and that night I did. I was so tired, so emotionally drained, I couldn't do it anymore. He got in my face, yelling, it was so bad Jazzy was hysterical upstairs, and I broke down in tears. My world seemed to stop then, especially when silence filled the house, your father dropped down next to me on the floor, and we cried together. I fought him off like anyone in their right mind would, but I loved him. I loved him so much, and I was aching to feel it back again, you know like we used to, but I had a lot of healing to do...he begged, he begged me to stay, but I said no. Maybe you never knew that. It was my decision to leave, and the healthiest thing for me to do was to divorce him. He let me go, and I let him go."

I couldn't even formulate words, processing everything spoken in my head, trying to put the pieces together...

"You could have made it work. If you give up on things they tend to kick you in the ass later. You broke his heart Mom."

"And he broke mine. We both did our fair share of damage, and before you go judging me, I have paid for all of my mistakes."

"I'm not judging you Mom," I ran my hand over my face, tugging at my hair. "But it didn't have to end like that. It doesn't have to."

"Justin, I don't think now is the best time to have this conver-"

"Then when Mom? When? After you're gone? When I can't get through the day and I'm stupid again? When?"

"I'm not leaving."

"You don't know that." I felt a tear fall down my cheek now, gripping tighter onto my coffee. "Everyone keeps telling me you're going to be ok and it could honestly be a load of bullshit. I refuse to let myself have false hope. I won't believe you're going to be ok like I believed you were going to come back home. I won't."

Silence engulfed the air then, hanging itself with the tension, hardly swallowing to keep myself from exploding, pushing it all down into that bottle of mine.

"I didn't leave you Justin."

"You did. You left all of us and left me with him. You left me alone in that house where everything was broken and I was suffocating. You left."

I stood up then, slinging my backpack over my shoulder.

"Justin, please," Her voice alone stopped me as I went to leave, feeling the guilt again, and no matter how angry I was getting, no matter how hurt I was by everything, I didn't know how things would end up. "Don't leave."

I sat back down, staring at the cop, longing for the famous cigarette. An escape, I needed an escape.

"I know you got hurt...and I'm so sorry, but please, please stay with me while you can. You're not the only one scared, you're not the only one alone."

"Alright." I nodded, taking her hand across the table and gave it a gentle squeeze.

I'd lived in fear practically my whole life. Why stop now?

_______________

*Bella*

"Can I come over?" Justin asked as soon as I picked up the phone, sitting on the edge of my bed.

"I've been worried sick about you all day, you haven't answered my calls or texts, and then you just ask to come over?"

"Can I or not?"

"What if I said no?"

"Fine, I won't."

"Wait, Justin, you can come over."

"Good. I'll be up in a minute. I'm outside."

I should have guessed that when he called me.

I went over to my porch door as he came up, feeling the sweater I was wearing fall off my shoulder, trying to figure out how he was, what he was feeling, but he made it hard.

"Justin..."

"Hmm?"

"Where have you been?"

"With my mom, and at home."