Dorm 308

{ T H I R T Y F I V E }

I noticed that some comments point out my grammar or typographical errors. I know that the excuse "English is not my first language" is way too mainstream and it's not a valid reason (English is really not my first language tho) I can't make a grammatically flawless book in a snap of a finger. So bear with me and I'll edit it when I finally have time to re-read all the s.hit I wrote.

That's all. Happy reading sorry for the long wait.

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I don't know what hurts more, me stubbing my toe on the foot of my bed as I pack my clothes and necessities in my bag for my trip back to school or the fact that Harry didn't come back when he told me he will. What a fool am I to believe him. But either way, people always say that they'd rather have physical pain than suffer from emotional pain. Still, stubbing your toe on the corner of the bed hurts like hell.

Tomorrow, school starts again and I don't know how to face Harry after Christmas break. Should I get mad at him, for a hundredth time, or should I just ignore it and let it pass by, which is a wrong way of solving problems because running away makes the problem chase you even more.

My father and I have purposely avoided the topic of Harry and enjoyed the last few days to ourselves. We were also able to visit my grandparents for New Year and celebrated with them. Of course, I greeted Harry Merry Christmas the following day when we left and I also greeted him a Happy New Year. Sadly, they were both left with no answers. Even not a simple "You too." Or "K." I would have appreciated it in anyway. He hasn't left any clue as to how he is the past few weeks, whether we will go back to school together or even to tell me that he won't be able to come back.

I brushed them all away. I'm the kind of person who will try to understand and find the person's reason on why they aren't able to do what they promised to do and I will eventually blame myself. It makes me look stupid trying to figure out what I did to make them not reply to me with a single damn message. I don't know where I lack or maybe he just don't want to tell me.

I'll admit that the following day when Harry left, I waited all day. I waited all day that I practically find a way to make myself stop expecting, and tell myself that he will not come back. I cried, not hysterically but the silent crying that hurts a lot more. I was lucky that my father left to do some errands while I cried. It was pathetic and I hate myself for it.

After the confession we had a few weeks back, everything got more fragile. I started expecting some good changes and they did happen, but negative changes also happen. The downside of the confession was I expected more. I got more attached to him and I forgot the reality that there are moments where we can't be together all the time.

I can't believe that I wrote about him and the kiss in the journal my professor told me to write down on. That day was also written down on the journal after my five minute silent breakdown.

In short, I was torn. I was torn between believing him and waiting for him even if he told me how he feels. I was torn between telling myself that I should stop myself and I should focus more on my life and leave the dormitory. I don't know if leaving the dormitory can make things easier for me, emotionally and mentally it will. But I guess I'm late in reserving another dormitory slot. Plus, I sound immature leaving the dorm just because some guy left me last Christmas.

The first day of the second semester starts off hectically. Almost everyone was running to their own classes, especially the ones who got the 8AM classes. Sadly, I was one of them. I'm used to the 9 or 10 morning classes during my first semester and I have to make a huge adjustment in my waking hours and morning routine everyday.