Let There Be Light

In Which Bones Are Buried

In the beginning, there was nothing but an empty, formless void masked in eternal darkness.

It was a lot like Utah.

As I recall, this was a wonderful time for I had nothing to do except nap - which was great. Unfortunately, one can only snooze for so many millennia before boredom sets in. Thus, I created the universe.

Day 1

"And God said, Let there be light: and there was light."

*Poof*

Now, most people take this literally and assume I just created a bunch of golden light. What I actually did was fabricate the Big Bang, which simultaneously formed all neutrons, protons, electrons, anti-electrons, photons, and neutrinos in the universe. According to conservatives, it looked something like this:

Of course, there still wasn't much to look at so I created suns, moons, planets, and elements as well. (Normally, these would take billions of years to form, but I sped up the process.)

"And God divided the light from the darkness. And the evening and the morning were the first day."

Day 2

Unfortunately, on the second day I was struck, yet again, by boredom. I had created this vast space but was the only living being around. Sure, it was pretty, but what was I supposed to do now?

Float around in space? Sing a ditty? Masturbate?

No. I needed something to occupy myself for more than ten minutes. So, to combat the monotony, I created life.

You're welcome.

Before I fabricated life, however, I needed to find a place to put it. There couldn't just be a bunch of organisms floating around space, all willy-nilly; they had to be contained. Thus, I opted to confine them to a single planet - Earth. But first, I would have to make Earth habitable. Some terraforming was in order.

To start, I covered the planet in water and created the atmosphere.

"And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters. And God called the firmament Heaven. And the evening and the morning were the second day."

Day 3

Next, it was land time. I spent the first half of day three on terrain. I raised continents from the depths, formed islands, and carved out rivers and lakes. I molded strong mountains, bumpy hills, and sandy beaches. After that, I spent the remaining twelve hours creating every type of tree, hedge, bush, flower, and weed I could conjure up.

(Yeah, every type of weed. #DevilsLettuce.)

"And the evening and the morning were the third day."

Day 4

There seems to be a bit of confusion as to what occurred on this day. Some believe I created light, while others argue While the Bible gets some things right, day four is totally incorrect. Whoever revised this section clearly wasn't paying attention.

"And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night. And let them give light upon the earth: and it was so."

Doesn't that seem redundant? I mean, if I created light on the first day why would I need to make it again? I wouldn't - duh!

What I really did on day four was bury a bunch of dinosaur bones to test your faith.

LOL. No, I'm kidding. That's ridiculous.

Alas, an alarming number of people truly believe that nonsense. Shame on you. You know what? Just because so many believe the bone myth, I'm not saying what happened on day four.

"And the evening and the morning were the fourth day."

Day 5

Day five was pretty routine.

"And God said, Let the waters bring forth fowl that may fly above the earth in the open firmament of heaven."

(I made some birds.)

"And God created great whales and every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly."

(I made some fish.)

"And the evening and the morning were the fifth day."

Day 6

Day six was eventful. Firstly, I created land animals.

"And God said, Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, and beast of the earth after his kind: and it was so."

Now, this is where things get interesting.

"And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth."

This is probably the most misunderstood portion of the Bible. I'm not sure if editors removed this vital information on purpose or it was somehow lost in translation, but allow me to address the misconceptions:

1) Christians seem to be under the delusion I am the only one of my kind. Wrongo! If I could direct your attention to some pronouns:

"And God said, Let US make man in OUR image, after OUR likeness."

Those are not typos. I am not the only one of my species, but simply the caretaker of your universe. You see, long ago, when my people gained our divine powers, we became the custodians of all existence. (No one asked us to, but we thought it for the best.)

So, whenever one of us comes of age, we are given our own personal universe and are allowed to do whatever we choose with it. Some, like myself, create life. Others fill their space with jewels, books, or cantaloupes. Several leave their realm empty, with nothing to fill it but sweet, sweet silence.

That must be nice.

Which leads me to the second misconception:

2) I created man and women in my image. No, I'm afraid that wasn't the case. For you see, my people are far from humanoid.

I, the Lord thy God, King of the Universe am an angora rabbit.

Oh yes.

Truthfully, I didn't create humans at all. Rather, your species is the product of evolution. What I did create in my image on the sixth day were rabbits. Originally, they were supposed to rule Earth, but then you came along and took over.

(It was quite rude.)

"And the evening and the morning were the sixth day."

Day 7

"Thus the heavens and the earth were finished. And on the seventh day God ended his work and rested."

Exhausted, I declared this to be the day of rest, conjured myself up a recliner, and took a celebratory siesta. Ah, I thought, My work is done. I can nap forever now.

How wrong I was.

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