Let There Be Light

Introduction

Greetings and salutations, my children! It is I, God.

The Lord. The Maker. The Sky Dude. (Whichever you prefer.)

I am all-knowing, all-seeing, and all-powerful. (Like Oprah.) I enjoy many hobbies, including wine tasting, playing checkers, lording over all creation, and whacking hoes with baseball bats on Grand Theft Auto. But, enough about me. Let's get down to business.

Everything you know is a lie.

Well, not everything, I suppose; I'm sure you know some things. For instance, you're no doubt aware grass is green, water is blue, (usually), and that people need to learn to use their fucking blinkers.

No, what I'm talking about is the Bible. Terribly sorry, but the sacred doctrine humanity loves, quotes, and beheads infidels over is nothing but hokum. Let me explain:

I wasn't always the gentle God I am today. (In fact, during ancient times I was quite the smiter.) Even so, when Moses sat down to write Genesis, I told him to be truthful and document history accurately. He did so and, once finished, turned to me, saying, "Lord, this is good and all but maybe we should tweak things a bit."

"Why do you say that?" I asked.

"Well, Lord," Moses ventured, "you come off a bit asshole-ish."

After some intense flashbacks, I realized that Moses was right. Floods, famines, holy wars, mosquitos! I was responsible for them all! I mean, the floods and famines were probably forgivable, but the mosquitos... *Shudder* In the end, however, I chose to be a good noodle and tell the truth.

Besides, I could always rely on humanity to alter the Bible for me.

You excel at aggressively censoring things and it didn't take long for this to happen. Over time, as more books were added to my gospel, it was reworked. Then, as time passed, it was translated and rewritten, Then, edited and rewritten again. And again. Eventually, it was taken by various kings, rewritten to their liking, given to church leaders, and rewritten some more. By the time the twenty-first century rolled around humans had reduced my magnificent book to naught but a tome of malarkey.

So you see, dear mortals? The Bible as you know it is simply incorrect.

(Seriously, it's more inaccurate than Disney's Pocahontas.)

But fear not. I am here to clear the smog. In this volume, I shall reveal the true stories of the Bible, as well as provide insightful commentary on all things religion. I will warn you, however, this book is not for the faint of heart.

Just remember, I only tell you these things because I love you - no matter your race, gender, appearance, sexual orientation, football affiliations, or beliefs.

Unless you're a Scientologist. That's stupid.

Let's take this from the top, shall we?

.

.

.

Thank you for reading! If you enjoyed this chapter, please consider voting! :)