Let There Be Light

In Which Heads Are Bonked

After creating Earth, I assumed my work was done.

I mean, spending a week fabricating life and terraforming an entire world is hard work. I intended on doing nothing for the rest of eternity, but we all know that plan went to hell-in-a-handbasket.

Once day seven of creation ended, I sat back to relax. Eons passed. I watched Pangaea form and break apart, ice ages turn plants into popsicles, and even spent several decades observing the exploits of a rather interesting ant colony - all from the comfort of my La-Z-Boy recliner.

(Yes, I am also responsible for La-Z-Boy. Again, you're welcome.)

Alas, while I was totally fine lounging about, Mother was less than thrilled. She visited my dimension each day to complain about my "laziness".

"All you do is sit around. Why don't you go for a run in the Sahara?"

"You need some exercise. Why don't you go swim some laps in the Atlantic Ocean?"

"North America looks nice this autumn. Why don't you go for a hike and watch the leaves change color?"

(Ugh! That last one makes me want to gouge my eyes out with an ice pick.)

Still, I love my Mommy and wanted her to be happy. So, to shut her up, I descended to Earth in search of something I could meddle with. It was then that I discovered what would become both my greatest source of amusement and my biggest cause of headaches: you.

The Monkey People.

After ages of evolution, your ancestors evolved from stupid, hairy apes into equally stupid, (albeit less hairy), Neanderthals. (Although, quite frankly, that wasn't much of an improvement.)

Yet, time passed and humanity learned to perform basic tasks such as cave drawing, making fires, and pooping outside the family dwelling. I was skeptical at first, but your race quickly grew on me. Eventually, I decided to do the godly thing and make you my servants.

I considered simply enslaving your entire species then and there. However, doing so would require much effort on my part and likely end in me getting pissed off and incinerating Earth. Thus, I chose to hold a trial run instead - just to see what I was getting myself into.

I decided to snatch one human and use him as a test subject. I would create an isolated habitat, stick him in it, give him some tasks, observe his exploits, and see if humanity was worth enslaving. Luckily, this was back in the good ol' days when Earth was 99% human free. Thus, it didn't take long to find the perfect spot for my subject's new dwelling. I chose a land of peace, harmony, and tranquility.

The Middle East.

"And God planted a garden; And out of the ground made God to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for food; and a river went out to water the garden; and from thence it was parted, and became into four heads."

Once construction was complete, I named the garden "Eden" and planted an alluring, yet totally forbidden tree in its center.

*Mwah* Perfect.

Now, ready to begin my experiment, I snatched a random male, (who turned out to be Adam), and dumped him inside Eden. Then, I informed Adam I was the Lord thy God, King of the Universe and that he would now serve and worship me until death.

Finally, to test Adam's work ethic, I gave him a simple, totally logical task: name all animals on Earth.

Unfortunately, Adam, (being a Caveman), only communicated in grunts. As you can imagine, this made naming fauna quite difficult as there are only so many variations of the word "Ugg!". Thus, I named Earth's animals myself and made Adam gardener instead. While he enjoyed this job, after a time Adam grew lonely. He began to desire companionship - someone to talk to, someone to love. Someone DTF.

*Enter Lilith*

Lilith, (in case you didn't know), was Adam's first lover. While legend says I molded her from the same dirt as Adam, blah blah blah, I really just plucked her at random from the existing stock of adult females and dropped her in the garden too.

When Adam and Lilith met, it was love at first sniff. For a time, they got along splendidly. The two spent their days gardening, picking bugs out of each other's hair, and urinating for hours on end. Sadly, things went south when Adam tried to bonk his girlfriend on the head with a club, drag her off, and make whoopee.

Typical male. (Amirite, ladies?)

Lilith, being more of a get-to-know-you-first kind of girl was not DTF. So, when the male pulled this stunt, she was all like, "WTF!?".

Being a strong, independent black woman who didn't need her no man, Lilith retaliated by bonking Adam on the head in a fit of sub-psychotic rage. Then, Lilith proceeded to sprout wings and flew away into the night.

(Something all women can do, by the way.)

Distraught, Adam fell into an abyss of despair. He dyed his hair black with animal dung, began wearing dark clothes and skinny jeans, and started using the music of mainstream rock bands to express his own sense of individualism.

Adam had turned emo.

This was unacceptable. I put Adam in Eden to take care of it, not to mope around like an angsty teenager. So, I sent three angels to retrieve Lilith and bring her back to the garden. Of course, Adam's attitude wasn't my only reason for wanting her. You see, before fleeing, Lilith decided to shout my true name into the heavens.

A big no-no.

Legend has it that saying my name aloud gives the speaker divine powers. Needless to say, this isn't true. I just hate it when people using my real name because it's stupid. Mother never excelled at naming things and my given moniker suketh the big one. I mean, who names their child "YHWH"? What kind of name is that? I'd much rather be called something sophisticated, like "Larry".

But I digress.

It didn't take long to locate Lilith and my angels soon cornered her near the Red Sea. Upon capture, she fell to her knees, raised a shaking fist to the heavens, and declared, "HURRRGG!", which I assume meant something along the lines of "Jeepers! They've found me!"

Now, a righteous god would've heard Lilith's side of things before giving a punishment but righteousness is overrated.

Without an ounce of guilt, I decreed that each day 100 of Lilith's children would be slaughtered in a sacrifice bloody enough to rival the menstrual seepage of ten whales. (Not that whales actually menstruate. Golly, can you imagine?)

Naturally, the woman didn't take this well. After about twenty minutes of foot-stomping, hair tearing-out, and furious screeching, she once more took off into the night, not to be seen again until chapter three.

What a fiasco. I thought. Oh well, at least nobody's touched my forbidden tree.

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