Desire {Christian Delgrosso Fanfiction}

S.

"What did the doctors say, Christian?" My voice shaky, my hands even worse than my voice. I had dark circles under my eyes, a cup of coffee in my hands. A coffee that I had been sipping for God knows how many hours!

"He's alright. If he gets a bit better, he will be able to leave the hospital in less than six days." Christian assured me by rubbing the back of my arms softly.

I turned my gaze away, back at that hard glass that separated me from my best friend. He just laid there, motionless but somehow still perfect. We've been here for two days in a row and nothing changed. The doctors keep saying that he is doing better but I don't see that. I will not believe anyone until he wakes up and tells me that himself.

How could he do that to me? How? Why would he would that in the first place? I know he's going through a lot and has thought about dying several times but I always hoped he would never commit suicide until the day Christian got a call that made me believe otherwise.

"(Y/N), you need to rest. You haven't slept for two days. Justin will be fine. I'm here if he wakes up." Christian gave me a soft back massage as he kissed the back of my head and rest his head on mine for a few moments.

I shook my head, sipped on my coffee. "I need to be here when he wakes up. I have to wait for him.." I mumbled under my breath, I'm not sure if Christian actually understood what I said.

"I cannot change your mind so I will just stay up with you." Christian wrapped his arms around my waist and held me tightly while I couldn't take my eyes off of Justin who looked frozen.

~a few hours later~

"Mr. Delgrosso, I need to speak with you." The doctor called Christian to follow him to his office. I was already anxious enough and after that, I think I was having a panic attack. I wouldn't stop moving uncomfortably until Christian would come back. When I finally saw him walking out of the door, I felt relaxed for a brief moment. He immediately hugged me tightly and I was more scared than ever. My mind was giving me those crazy, painful ideas that Christian was trying to break it out to me easy. I had the feeling that the moment he would pull back, tears would fill his eyes and I would scream because I would've known that Justin didn't make it. I was going crazy every second that went by until Christian pulled back from my arms with a great smile on his face that said 'He's alive, (Y/N). He is awake."

"Can I see him!?" I widened my eyes, trying to see through my tears of happiness. Christian nodded and let me go, he said he'd come too in a few minutes.

"Justin!" I ran inside the room but stopped immediately before his bed when I realised I shouldn't be this abrupt.

A soft yet tired smile got formed on his lips while I was getting closer to him. His weak hand searched for mine, I held him. The faded smile looked stronger now. He slowly opened his eyes, I had forgotten how beautiful and full of life they always were.

(Y/N)...I'm so..glad you're here..." His voice was so weak it broke my heart. I would never ever think that I would see my best friend like this.

"Justin..." I whispered his name with my low and shaky voice as tears would make me unable to see again.

"Before you ask me why I did that, let me tell you that it has nothing to do with you, I hope you don't feel guilty." Justin spoke slowly and calmly.

"I still wanna know why." I stated quietly while my thumb was caressing his.

"Many reasons that I believe you already know."

I sighed, watching him carefully. "Couldn't you stay strong for me?"

Justin shook negatively his head with the small amount of strength that was left in him. "You were one of the reasons."

And there you go. I don't remember having a worse heartbreak than that. My best friend just threw that at me and it hit me like a train.

"But you said it wasn't my fault..."

"I meant that it wasn't entirely your fault. Only partly."

"This doesn't change anything, Justin. I still feel like shit."

"You shouldn't."

"Really? Why?"

"Because..." His eyes turned towards the door where Christian was standing but I hadn't noticed. "...he loves you more than I ever could."

Fuck. I closed my eyes and let the hot tears run free down my cheeks while I was trying my best not to burst into tears that wouldn't stop no matter how hard I would try. Christian was only watching us because he couldn't hear what Justin was saying. Thank God.

"So now what?" I said, wiping away some teardrops.

"Nothing. We just go on with our lives."

"What..What the fuck do you mean, Justin!?" I almost yelled, my eyes burning.

"I mean that we should just be friends and forget that this right here ever happened."

"And simply move on after this!? How easy!" I rolled my eyes, shook my head and turned away to leave.

Christian was waiting for me at the door, I passed by him and ran out of the room, and soon enough out of the hospital. I had Christian's car's keys, I unlocked the car and got in. I just wanted to drive away. Everything was messed up and my anxiety made me worse. I didn't know how to cope with it. I didn't know how to fix anything at all.

Justin was confusing me, Christian barely had any idea about Justin's weird feelings for me, I didn't know who to turn to since my best friend was acting as if he was in love with me and claimed that his suicide attempt was partly my fault and Christian couldn't really help me.

I was torn between best friend and lover; a situation that no one should ever be into. My heart was breaking into millions of pieces and my mind was slowly killing me. I turned the music louder, trying to escape my dangerous thoughts and anxiety that was bugging me. I didn't even care what Justin had to say now and I was sure that a great conversation was waiting for me as soon as I would see Christian again. And he would have every reason to be mad at me or even break up with me after this madness that haunted us with Justin acting all crazy.

I tried to let go of all those thoughts and focus on the music.

Is it desire? Or is it love that I'm feeling for you? I want desire, I wanna see what you're willing to lose.

Music wasn't very helpful though.