Olivia
I had all intentions of ending things with Harry. I knew it was going to be hard but I had to do it. If I want a future with Liam, and I do, I can't mess around with Harry anymore. It's not right. I know that deep down but I guess I didn't anticipate how much seeing him heartbroken and begging me to give him another chance would affect me. It made things cloudy. I tried to explain to him why I made my decision. It had nothing to do with him. I just know Liam is the one for me. Then he started saying things like how Liam is better than he is and he doesn't have anyone besides me. I don't want him to be alone. I want Harry to be happy but I know I can't be the one to make him happy. That doesn't mean it doesn't kill me to see him this upset. When he kissed me I tried to resist. I knew what he was doing. He wanted to prove to me how much spark and fire and chemistry we have. As if I could ever forget. But as soon as his lips touched mine it was like a switch in my brain flipped, telling me not to think. I can't think when Harry kisses me. All I can think about it him. All I can see is him. Nothing else matters when he's kissing me.
I could try to blame him for my judgement slipping. But after he kissed me, everything that followed was my fault. I was the one pulling him closer. I was the one biting his lip, pulling at his jeans. He responded to the cues that I was giving him, which were that I wanted it. And I did. Sex with Harry is indescribable. He brings out this side of me that I don't even recognize. But for some reason, this time is different. Physically nothing is different. It's the same rough, hot, mind blowing experience I've come to expect from Harry. But this time something has changed. I feel more connected to him than I ever have. Usually he likes to hear me but no matter how much encouragement he gives me, I can't bring myself to speak. Because I'm afraid of what I might say in the heat of the moment. I don't know if it's because I just had sex with Liam and I'm confusing the two. If the two experiences are jumbling together. I find myself wanting to tell him I love him as I climax. But that must just be because that's what I do with Liam. It has to be.
When I'm lying in his arms after I can't help but hug myself to his body while he strokes my hair. It's a surprisingly tender gesture. Not that Harry isn't a tender guy. We just usually don't have time after to cuddle. I'm trying to sort through the feelings I was having during sex when the realization of what I did hits me. I did it again. I completely pushed Liam out of my mind so I could sleep with Harry without guilt. I feel terrible. I just keep making everything so much messier. No matter how much I try to fix things, I seem to only make them worse. And when I tell Harry how wrong what we're doing is, I can tell how much it hurts him. Seeing the raw emotion in his eyes, trying to convince me to give him a chance nearly breaks me. I want to give him a chance. I can't deny that I do. I want to see if we could really have something here. I feel like if I'd been with him before Liam, we maybe could've worked. But I can't turn my back on the one thing in my life that I know is right. I can't throw that all away for something that may not work. But then it was like Harry completely flipped a switch. He went from being heartbroken and begging me to stay, to telling me I meant nothing to him.
I don't want to believe him at first. A minute ago he was so heartbroken at the thought of me walking away. The look in his eyes was piercing. I've never seen someone look so desperate. But the flip was so sudden, it has me wondering if I even saw what I thought I saw. The desperation in his eyes. Did I make it up in my head? Did I make everything up? All those emotions I thought I was reading from him? Or was he just a really good actor? He said he wanted to fall in love with me at first. Was he putting on that act to try to convince himself? Was he just going through the motions, hoping the feelings would magically appear? He told me he loved me and I believed him but was it because I wanted to believe it? I mean here I am, just a normal girl from the Midwest and I had two members of One Direction telling me they loved me. It's kind of every girl's dream come true. How stupid was I to think that could happen to me for real? Getting Liam was enough of a miracle. Did I really think I could land Harry too? I knew what kind of reputation he had but I completely ignored the warning signs. What he did was kind of shitty, carrying on with me when he knew he felt nothing. There's no denying that. But I can't blame him at all. It was my own stupidity that got me into this mess. I believed he loved me just like I believed Grant when he told me he wanted me to be his girlfriend. Am I really that much of a whore? That I'll sleep with a guy the minute he shows any interest in me? All they had to do was tell me what they thought I wanted to hear and it worked. I'm an idiot. Liam didn't pressure me. I had to practically beg him to finally have sex with me. Maybe that's the difference between Liam and these other guys. They only want to get me into bed. And I let them. I'm so stupid that I keep making the same mistakes over and over again. I always sleep with the wrong guy. And it's not even their fault. I'm not being manipulated. It's not against my will. I've turned into this slutty, stupid girl that I don't even recognize. What's worse is that Liam actually loves me, or at least who I used to be, but I keep falling for guys who just want sex. I don't deserve him.
