Lexie
To say that I was excited to get back home to Wisconsin and out of London for a while was a bit of an understatement. I love my job but it's been a stressful few months. All I've done is eat, sleep and work. I'm so relieved to finally have some time off, and so excited for this trip home. Even though it's only been a couple of months since I left for London, this trip home is much needed. But through all of this I know this move to London was the right choice. I love what I'm doing with Arsenal and I feel like I'm actually good at it. I must be since they offered me a full time position. Out of the 12 interns we started with, they only kept Dustin and I. As humble as I'm trying to be, that's a big deal. This is a prestigious organization and they think that I'm valuable to their operation. It's a pretty huge ego boost. It's such a relief to be doing what I went to school for, following my dreams and actually making progress in life. It makes all of the stress, all-nighters and emotional breaks studying for finals the past four years' worth it.
Even though it hasn't been that long, I do miss my family and friends. When Niall mentioned going to the PGA Championship up in Kohler, Wisconsin I knew I had to tag along. It's so close to home that I can't miss the opportunity, and I'm sure that's why Niall brought it up in the first place. I think even being away from me when they were on tour, Niall could tell I was getting homesick. He knows me so well, even better than I know myself sometimes. Although I'll get to see my family, they aren't the only ones I wish I could see. I miss my friends that became my family when I was at school in Indiana. I've been pretty alone since I got to London. As busy as I am, the times I am alone is unsettling. Even though I became closer to Gemma and El it still doesn't make up from being away from my friends. I'm sure it'll probably be better once Liv is there with me full time but with how off the wall she is lately you never know. Being in London has taken me completely out of my comfort zone. At the time it was something I wanted to do, and felt good about making this big change. At first it wasn't so bad, I had Niall and a houseful of people. But then tour started and suddenly I was alone in this big house. Just the comfort of being around people you've known for so long is something I never realized I would miss so much.
At first when we were thinking about going to the PGA I was hoping we'd have enough time to see my other two good friends Kali and Lacey but with the limited amount of time in our schedule it's just not going to work out this time. Kali is out in Las Vegas doing an internship with another PGA Championship so she's not even home. Lacey works full time and just can't get away. I was a little disappointed but I'm still thrilled to be going home to spend some time with my family.
Despite my best efforts to sleep the entire plane ride I find myself worrying about Liv. I know I can't do anything about it right now but I'm always going to worry about her. She's a complete mess right now and it makes me feel bad that I wasn't able to notice what was going on with her sooner. Not that I could've with us not talking for nearly a month, but I still can't help but wonder what I could've done to prevent her from going off the deep end like this. I know she's supposed to be ending things with Harry right now. I have a little piece of mind knowing I've helped her get back on the right track, she just has to stick the course.
The only thing that makes all of this worse is the fact that I can't tell Niall any of this. He would feel obligated to say something and intervene. I know he knows something is on my mind while we're on the plane because he keeps asking me what I'm thinking. I try to shrug it off that I'm tired because of how late Liv and I stayed up. It's partly the truth at least. I hate lying to him, but it's better this way. For one thing, Liv would kill me. She's adamant that keeping this between me, her and Harry will prevent it from getting out. Somehow, I don't' know if it's going to work. Secrets always have a way of spilling out. I wish she would come clean to Liam but I know there's no use trying to convince her. I just have to hope for her sake she's right about Harry keeping it to himself and she's somehow able to live with the overwhelming guilt I know she's feeling. The other, and one of the most important reasons I'm ok with keeping this from Niall is because I know it will kill him to not be able to tell Liam. It would put him in such a hard position, and he's already had to do this too many times before. Niall and Liam have been super close since day one when they shared a room on the X factor, they've always had that bond. But he and Harry are extremely close too. Niall was Harry's wingman for a long time and they became best friends. I'd even say Niall is probably the closest with Harry out of the group. I've heard so many stories from their nights together being the only single men in the group, that it doesn't really surprise me how they got to be so close. Even so, I know Niall would want to tell Liam. I mean hell even I want to tell Liam. But he would also want to protect Harry and his feelings, and his face for that matter. I'm pretty sure if Liam ever finds out he'll try to murder Harry, and nobody wants that. I know I can't let Niall be thrown into the middle of all of this. If I'm the one that needs to bear the burden of this knowledge and be in the middle for the sake of Niall, I will. He is so much like Liv in that he never wants anyone to have hurt feelings. He's always ends up being the middle man trying to fix everyone else's problems, he never is able to fully enjoy himself. If he knew, the guilt would eat him alive, so if I need to keep it from him to protect him I will.
