The Typical Insanity

M I S S C O N G E N I A L I T Y

How cliché is it that the fireworks would start as she tells me the 'big news'? The answer is very. It's very cliché but it happened, I mean, it's not like my life is dictated by a series of calculated truisms or cheesiness, right?

So anywho, let's get back to the point. It turns out that we've just murdered a teenager, Clementine's somehow pregnant and it's a New Year.

"Happy New Year, Nemo?"

My phone suddenly starts ringing from my back pocket and I take it out, checking the caller I.D. anything to avoid commenting on the big news.

"Hey, happy New Year, Moe! Look, I don't have much time to talk, I just needed to remind you that your meeting with the Vitali family is tomorrow at 8, okay? I'm reminding you because lately you've been having a problem with remembering these things I set up for you."

"What? Vitali family? What're you talking about?"

"Oh my God, not again. I'm just going to send over the address and all you need to do is go there alright? I can't keep dealing with you having amnesia over and over again."

And she hangs up.

"Pft, it's not amnesia, I just literally wasn't there."

"Was that Lauren?"

"Yup, she said something about meeting this family. Sounds very Mafia, do you know what she's talking about?"

"No, I try to stay out of these things, gives me a headache. Do you have to go out now?"

"Not right now, the meeting's at 8, wait you know what? I'm just going to take a little walk, clear my head, y'know?" I grab a jacket on the way out. "Don't wait up for me Clem."

When I get into the elevator, I lean on the side and slump down.

"Hey, Moe, I figured out what term to use for the situation we're in right now. We're in 'deep shit'."

I hide my head under my hands. "Did you know?"

"About what? French fry's bread in the oven?"

"Yeah, did you know about that?"

"Nope, I'm just as surprised as you!"

"How did you even let this happen? I haven't even been in my body for the past month or so. Wait, is it even ours?"

He pauses, the elevator reaches the ground floor and dings open, neither of us move.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure actually."

"How can you be so sure?"

"For starters, have you forgotten how crazy in love she is with your pathetic ass? I mean, I'm still baffled how a French fry as pretty her wants to be with an idiot like you. Sure you're not exactly bad looking but you're still lame as hell and-"

"Okay, okay, I get it, don't need to be rude about it."

"Fine, and secondly, so this is hard to explain. Remember that chick in your dreams? The one that looked a lot like French fry?"

"Who, Nicki?"

"Yeah that one, and remember um, those times you got down and dirty?"

"Ew, you watched?!"

"Ew, no! And you were the one dreaming it!"

"Shut up! I'm allowed to, it's my dreams! So listen, basically it turns out you sort of reverse hallucinated and that was actually really happening."

"Wait, what?!"

"How is it your favorite word when I'm around is 'What'? I told you what, you did the nasty with French fry, and you were careless. Simple as that."

"That isn't simple! How am I supposed to believe that?!"

"And yet you say that as you continue to talk to yourself."

"Oh my god, I'm sick of being crazy."

"Yeah, me too buddy. Now do you want to get off the filthy old elevator floor or are we just going to chill here?"

"I don't want to do anything, Rien."

I peek up and see him sitting down next to me. "Fine then, chill here it is. Has it set in yet that you're going to be an actual dad?"

"Oh my god, I'm going to be an actual dad to some kid!"

"Poor kid, to be raised by you two nutzos."

"Sad thing is that you're right. But I'll do my best, I won't abandon him, or her, like mine did. I'll stick around and do my best."

"Good for you, Moe! Now that that's done with, go get some sleep. We've got a big day tomorrow."

"Right, about that, what exactly is happening tomorrow morning?"

"Basically, the Vitali family is one of the most important Crime boss-type families in New York and you're job is to charm them into making an alliance of sorts."

"My job? Why is it my job? Why can't you do it?"

"Because, we're trying to come off as loyal and trustworthy and honest and respectable and someone level headed. You barely fit the standards but it's better than me."

"At least you're not in denial about your rudeness."

His puts his hand his chest, as if he's offended. "Hey, that was really rude of you to say, Nemo, how.. Could.. You..?"

"Stop being so melodramatic, Miss Congeniality."

I laugh a little because now he sounds like some Southern Belle. "Why must you keep tormenting me, Nemo?! All I ever am, is nothing but sweet as iced tea to you!"

I roll my eyes and get up. "I'm going back to the apartment, I've had an eventful night and right now I just want some sleep."

"Sure, sure but before that, what do we do about the bloody, dead teenage girl in the living room."

"In the morning. I'll figure it out in the morning."

"Whatever you say, dude."

When I got back home, Clementine was in the bedroom sleeping and I debated whether or not to sleep in the same room or crash on the couch. I mean, I should be allowed to literally be on the same bed as her, I'm the father of her child! Right?

I end up sleeping on the couch anyway.

When morning comes, I remember that I had that thing at 8 and it's already 7:05. After a rushed morning routine, a quick kiss on the cheek from Clem and a bite of burnt toast, I'm outside the apartment on my bike at 7:17. Which is pretty okay if I do say so myself.

I check my phone and there's a text from Lauren, dictating the location of the meeting thing.

And so I set off on my, according to Google Maps, 45 minute ride to West Bronx.

Greeeaaat.