Indestructible: Reinforced

Chapter 57

Chapter Fifty-Seven

     September 2012

     Present Day

     Someone knocked on the door and it swung open. Gaby stuck her head inside and smiled at me. “Good morning, Mama.”

     I smiled back weakly and gestured for her to come in. “Christian’s napping, come see him.” I looked down beside me at the sleeping baby. He was a beauty. My heart had ached when they’d brought him in for me to see him finally. I’d taken him in my arms and he’d opened his eyes to look at me. He had soft, blond hair, but that was where his resemblance to me stopped. He looked so much like Drake had looked when he’d been born. They’d shown me pictures years ago, and I still remembered what he’d looked like, and it was the same as Christian.

     Gaby tiptoed into the room and closed the door silently behind her. “Looks so much like Drake, doesn’t he?”

     “Yes.” I whispered. “I like that. I wanted him to look like his dad.”

     “Well, that’s a first.” She giggled. “How does it feel? To be a mom, I mean.”

     “It’s surreal.” I answered, feeling my heart skip a beat as he yawned and continued sleeping peacefully. I loved him so much. I just couldn’t believe it, I couldn’t believe I had a son. “I can’t believe it.”

     “But you don’t look so happy.” She sat down on the chair next to my bed and frowned. “What’s wrong?”

     “I just remembered some stuff.” I gulped and tried to make the lump that had formed in my throat to disappear. I cried whenever I remembered what I’d done to Drake. “And I hate myself for it.”

     “What is it?” She leaned forward. “What did you do?”

     “I broke up with him.” A tear slid down my cheek and I sniffed. I didn’t want to start crying again, my eyes still ached from last night. “I was the one who started it all.”

     “Yes.” She nodded and I frowned at her in surprise. I hadn’t told anyone about the details of the breakup. “He let it slip yesterday. It was horrible, he was losing it, Avy.”

     “I hate myself for what I did, Gaby.” Tears trickled down my cheeks and I turned away from Christian so that they wouldn’t fall on him and wake him up. “I was horrible to him. And you noticed it, didn’t you? You didn’t say anything, but you noticed it.”

     “It had crossed my mind.” She nodded. “But I didn’t want to say anything. You were always so angry and sensitive, Avy, I didn’t want to make you angrier.”

     “Well, I got what I deserved.” I sighed. “What I feel right now, Gaby, what I’ve been feeling for the past couple of weeks, is some sort of punishment.” I paused to wipe my face. “It hurts in a way I had never thought possible. I miss him, and because he’s not just some random guy, I hate myself for what I did to him and all the pain I caused him.”

     “Can’t you make it up to him?” She asked. “Can’t you try and apologize?”

     “He’s already forgiven me.” A sob broke through me and I cupped my mouth to stifle the sound. “I mean, he wanted to leave Amelie for me, after everything I did to him. He still loves me and he won’t give up on me, and nothing I do will make him hate me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt him, but I end up doing just that. I don’t know if us getting back together is the right thing to do.”

     “You’re a family now.” She said. “You can’t give up on it. And you love him, Avy. Maybe everything else is messed-up, maybe you are messed-up, but that’s the one good thing you have in your life right now, and if you give up on it then you’re doomed. Just try not to hurt him, and if you fail then you have to try harder. Drake’s not going to give up on you, but instead of taking him for granted, you should try and make him happy, try and make him feel good about it, rather than make him feel weak because he can’t let you go even when you treat him like shit.”

     “I love him so much, Gaby.” It came out hoarse and strangled, I was crying so hard and my chest was really hurting me. I didn’t know how there were any tears left after yesterday. “And if being with him is going to cause him more pain than not being with him, then I’ll tell him we can’t be together. I just can’t do it to him again.”

     “You’ll break his heart if you do that.” She frowned. “You’ve broken his heart enough, Avy, don’t do it again.”

     “I’m no good for him.” I sobbed. Christian squirmed but settled again. “Gaby, what I did was horrible. The things I said to him, the way I insulted him and made him feel like shit. I just can’t forgive myself for what I did, even if he has. And I don’t understand it, really. I just don’t get how he just forgave me for what I did. He was so calm when I was insulting him. He was so calm and he didn’t insult me back. He just pointed out to me why I was being like that, and I ignored it. I thought I was right and I didn’t care about him or what he said, I didn’t want to think about it because I knew it would have made sense and I would have felt bad, so I just ignored it and continued thinking I was right.”

     “What exactly did you say to him?” She asked. “Dear God, Avy, I hope you didn’t say something too bad.”

     I relayed to her what I’d told him and she just gaped at me in shock. I squirmed and wiped away my tears, I was all cried-out and my eyes stung.

     “Oh my God.” She shook her head. “I cannot believe you did that to him, Avy.”

     “It just got worse.” I ran my fingers through my hair. “What I did afterwards was even more horrible than this, if you can believe it.”

     “Don’t hate me if I say that I can.” She sighed. “You’re capable of some unbelievable shit, Avy. There’s no limit to how far you would go.”

     “Don’t I know it?” I nodded. “That’s why I don’t want to be with him. He deserves someone much better than me, Gaby, that’s why I don’t want him to settle for me. I’m too messed-up for him.”

     “Yeah, well, he happens to love you as much as you love him.” She said. “So it’s a bit more complicated than we think.”

     “I know life’s supposed to be unfair.” I sighed. “But not like this. This is too much.”

     “What else did you do to him?” She asked and leaned back in her seat. “What else did you say?”

     “Well, I felt nothing after the breakup.” I sagged against the pillows and sighed. “I thought I was okay. I thought I felt okay. It seemed to me that he was over me, and for a while I felt free. Free of him and his attention. Free to think whatever I wanted. But then I felt ignored, and I hated it. I missed him and his attention, his liveliness, his sensitivity. I missed his love for me and how he showed it, missed his touch, his hugs, his kisses. I missed everything about him. I missed seeing the look in his eyes when he saw me, the smile that spread on his face and the color that rose in his cheeks. I just miss him, Gaby.”

     “Good God, it turned you into a poet.” She sighed. “Oh why did you have to go and mess it up, Avy? This is too perfect. Love likes yours, it can never be forgotten. I think you should let him be with you, and maybe he’ll fix you, Avy. Maybe he’ll help you get unmessed-up.”

     “And I’ll go back to being the old, bitchy me.” I said. “And I’ll reject him and keep on hurting him till he leaves me or I leave him. I know myself, Gaby.”

     “But you love him!” She hissed. “You love him so much, Avy!”

     “I know.” I nodded and sighed. “I know, Gaby. God, I’m so tired. What I would give to make him fall out of love with me and just make him forget all the pain I caused him.”

     “See, that right there shows that you’re not all bad.” She said. “You could’ve wished that you didn’t love him that much, you could’ve wished to forget the pain and everything related to him, but you didn’t. You just want him to be okay.”

     “Stop saying I’m not all bad.” My eyes stung and tears formed in them again. When was the crying going to end? “You don’t know what happened, Gaby. You don’t know what I did to him.”

     “What?” She asked. “What did you do to him?”

     I paused before I answered, I didn’t want her to hate me and disrespect me. “I made him cheat on Amelie.”