Broken Until Him

Chapter 8 ~ Loneliness

'I've always felt lonely. Even when I was with my friends, loneliness was still here. Hidden in a dark place of my mind, catching up on me every time I felt somewhat abandoned.
So I got used to it.

Loneliness is now something I can deal with, something I even like because of the peacefulness it brings. But also something I hate, because of all the memories resurfacing once I'm alone.

Loneliness can be the best way to protect yourself from the others, or the worst way to destroy your happiness.'

I walk, not knowing where I'm heading. I need to take my mind off of what happened recently, of what I did. I can't go back home right now, I need some space, I need to breathe.

It's been a week since Nathan and I last talked. We've been avoiding each other the whole time : me, too ashamed of my words and him, too angry at my reaction.

The street is full of people walking with their umbrellas, protecting themselves from the wetness of the rain.

But me, I don't hide from the rain, I feel it on my face. It usually makes me feel alive but today, all I can feel is guilt. I shouldn't have reacted that way, I shouldn't have shut him out, I shouldn't have judged him. And because of all those mistakes, I lost the only person who has never judged me.

Two little girls are playing in the puddles, jumping and giggling, spraying each other. I can recognize us in these little girls, the same hair, the same eyes, the same smile.

My breath accelerates, my head starts spinning. I can't control myself, I need to escape this vision, to run away from my emotions and memories. I'm suffocating under the recall of the life I've lived.

So that's what I do, I run. My feet are aching, but I run. My body is shaking, but I run. My sight is blurry, but I don't stop running.

I can hear people complaining about me running in the rain, splashing them without me realizing it. But I don't care. My mind is obsessed with the need to escape the suffering.

The pain I feel is the same as a month ago, the same as when I found out. It never ceases, killing me a little more each second.

I run until I'm too blinded by my tears to see where I'm stepping. I slowly reduce my speed, my breath calming with it.

I'm standing in a little park surrounded by trees. The green of their leaves contrasts with the gray of the sky. There's nobody else here, I'm all alone. Just me, my memories and my pain.

The rain is now cold against my skin, freezing each centimeter of it. I walk towards a big poplar and sit underneath, circling my arms around my legs, my chin resting on my knees.

Hashley was the only constant in my life. She was the one who always found the right words to comfort me or to cheer me up. But now I'm all alone, lost in this new city where she wanted to live, in this new school where she wanted to go, with new people she would have loved to meet. She was the one who wanted to move here, and I would do anything for her to come back.

Because I'm not myself anymore. I forgot how to smile and how to laugh, how to live and how to love.
I'm just a deprived version of myself, clinging to everything that hurts me. I forgot what happiness is, as well as carelessness. And I doubt I will ever find the meaning of those words again.

I open my bag and take my journal.
Hashley's letter falls to the ground, before me. I stare at it, unable to pick it up.

Will I feel better once I'll have read it?
Will it hurt me more?
Will I have enough strength to read the full letter?

I keep staring at it, weighing up the pros and cons. It takes all the strength I've left to move my arms and grab it. The letter feels heavy in my hands, probably full of the sadness we both felt.

I carefully tear the envelope, making sure not to rip the letter. I'm surprised when I find two letters instead of one. I take the little one, not wanting to be drowned too quickly by the emotion her words will bring to me.

I unfold it slowly, preparing myself mentally to be destroyed little by little. I know reading her words will give me the impression that I'm with her right now, the impression that she's still by my side.
But once I'll be done reading it, I'll know that it was purely an illusion. And at that moment, my being will slowly fade away, replaced by the emptiness that will consume me.

Her handwriting is blinding me for a moment, the cursive letters running through my mind.

"You said you'd never leave.
You said you'd listen.
You said you'd try to understand.
You said you'd protect me.
You said you'd save me.
You said you'd fix me.

But where were you when I needed someone to talk to?
Where were you when I desperately needed you?
Where were you when I felt so alone inside a dark room?
Where were you when I tried to numb the pain?
Where were you when I wanted someone to hold me?
Where were you when I felt so lonely?
Where were you when I felt so empty?

Where were you when I tried to commit suicide?

Hashley"

I wasn't there.

~

A/N

Hi !

I think this is the saddest thing I've ever written.

Special thanks to thirteenhoursofpain ! She allowed me to use one of her poems for Hashley's letter. She's one of the most talented authors I found on Wattpad but also a great friend, so please go and check her amazing work!

Please don't forget to vote, comment and share!

XXX
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