Broken Until Him

Chapter 36 ~ Protection

'It is basic human instinct to seek for protection, a safe place to be free and let go of the walls we built around ourselves.

The brain has this great capacity to remember all the emotions we went through, sending signals to our body when something is threatening the fragile balance of our well-being. Our brain tells us not to do it as we already went through these negative emotions, keeping us from falling in the same trap as we once did.

Yet sometimes, falling in that same trap of emotions is the only way out. Or at least, it is the best decision, even if it hurts like hell, the outcome is what will ensure your protection.

I need protection against my own self. More precisely, against my own emotions. When you have to run away from your own damaged protection just to seek for a better one, it's mainly for your sanity.

Leaving a safe place is hard, especially when we don't know when we'll find a new one and to what extent it will be safe for us. We like our routine, the people in it and the fact that we know it'll be there as it is a constant in our lives.

But it is not bad to be a little selfish sometimes and break that constant. There are times when self preservation is too important to even consider the impact of our decision on the others' lives. We need to protect ourselves, to heal before we can offer support and protection to others. How can a damaged umbrella help someone stay dry?'

My hands are playing the keys and I am carried away in another world. Each note is a word that only I can understand, music is a story to my ears. I close my eyes and let the sounds overwhelm me, let my emotions take control of my hands. The only things I can still hear are the melodious notes escaping the piano, and my heart beating slowly, accompanying my music. My hands withdraw from the keys, leaving the notes hanging in the air in an unfinished melody.

"This was beautiful," Nathan says, looking at me tenderly as he pushes a strand of hair behind my ear. "Why did you stop ?"

"I think I found a better occupation," I answer and kiss him gently.

"You're right", he says in a breath and close again the gap between our mouth. "Although... I love when... you play... I love this... even more," he tells me between kisses.

He pulls back, his eyes pouring into mine with so much intensity I cannot look away. He trails his fingers on my mouth and I shiver at his touch. I kiss him back, abandoning myself in his arms. I can feel the tears sliding on my cheeks, I pull away to wipe them off discreetly but there is nothing to wipe. I look up at Nathan and notice that the tears are actually on his cheeks, pouring down so fast that they fall on his lap, creating a dark patch on his blue jeans.

I woke up with start, breathing heavily. This time, the tears are really coming out of my eyes, trailing down slowly. It was just a dream. A wonderfully realistic dream. I don't bother wiping the tears away and turn over in my bed, closing my eyes tightly as I try to go back to sleep. I want to go back to him. If only it worked that way, I'd be sleeping all day. I open my eyes and stare out the window, trying to remember every detail of my dream but it's quickly fading away.

I push the blanket and get up, my bare feet touching the cold wooden floor and bringing my back to reality. I left him.Yet, a month after I took this decision, it still hurts like hell. I stand up and go to the bathroom, hoping a hot shower will erase the feeling of upcoming tears. I take my time, washing and shaving, enjoying the warm water on my tensed shoulders. The knock on the bathroom door breaks off this relaxing sensation.

"I put the gown and cap on your bed," shouted my mother through the door, "Nina said that she and Aaron will come to pick you up in an hour."

Wait, what? I turn off the shower quickly and push back the curtain to let my head out."What? What did she tell you?" I ask my mom, my heart racing a little.