Broken Until Him

Chapter 14 ~ Honesty

This chapter deals with suicide, so read at your own risks.

'I've never been honest with my feelings. I know they are too hard to bear, they would drown me. That's why I keep everything for myself, deep down so I don't feel them anymore. But sometimes, all the things I hid surface, making the pain ten times harder to bear.

Honesty is something I should have tried. Because if I had been honest with myself from the beginning, things would have been easier to face.

Even when something was wrong with my friends, I kept it for myself. I was the one who was suffering, not them.

But what I realize now is that keeping things hurts more than saying them.'

I lay in my bed with my eyes wide open, staring at the ceiling. I'm still trying to slow down my heartbeats from their race. I woke up a few minutes ago from my nightmare, sweaty and in tears.

I cover my eyes with my shaky hands, like if this simple gesture could take away what I saw that day. The memory is replaying behind my closed eyes, making my breath accelerate. I will never get used to this, each time being as hurtful as the last one.

I remember every detail, from where the empty flacon was to where she was laying.

It was a typical Friday evening, eighty-one days ago. Hannah, Hashley and I used to hang out after school, that was our ritual. But a week before her death, we grew apart. She was still hanging out with us at school, smiling and laughing.

She was happy, at least, that what I thought. But when we asked if she wanted to hang out after school, she always found an excuse. On this Friday, Hashley claimed to have an awful headache. She told us she would see us on Monday and she left without waiting for our answer.

I remember Hannah reassuring me about Hashley's weird behavior, telling me that she probably wasn't feeling well because of a boy or something like that. So the both of us headed to the coffee shop and spent the afternoon there. I remember that I wasn't paying attention to what Hannah said that day, my mind was somewhere else, trying to figure out what was wrong with Hashley. I nodded along what she said, not listening. I remember we got home earlier this day, Hannah probably had enough of my vague answers so she decided to leave.

On the way home, I asked her to come with to check on Hashley since she didn't answer my texts. Hannah waited on the first floor while I went upstairs. I knocked at her bedroom door, but no answer came from it. The only thing I could hear was a muffled breath. I slowly opened the door, not wanting to wake her up if she was asleep.

But I have been welcomed by a terrifying scene. I froze in the doorway, deeply shocked. I couldn't move, I became numb.

Hashley was laying on the wooden floor, her body convulsing. Her breath was irregular and loud, covering every other sound but one.
Pills were scattered all over the floor, the flacon remaining empty next to her body.

Someone pushed me against the door, making me come back to reality. This unbearable sound was coming from me. But I couldn't stop it.

Hashley !

Two men, the neighbors, were now kneeling beside her, trying to control her. But the convulsions became even more violent.

And it stopped.

That was it, that's when I rushed over her. But somebody held me back, his arms tight around my waist. I struggled and kept screaming Hashley's name over and over, but Hannah didn't let go. I could hear her sobbing in my back but I didn't care. All I wanted to do was to be close to Hashley.