Broken Until Him

Chapter 29 ~ Chance

'We get more than one chance in our life. But we all screw things up at some point. One tiny mistake and it's over, we lose the right to try again.

We nedd chances simply because we are humans. We deserve another try because no one gets it perfectly on the first shot. We need a second chance, a third, a hundredth.

But at some point, there are no more chances. We had them and now it's gone. How are we supposed to get better and improve ourselves if we don't have at least one more? This is an endless circle of hope and failure, as we aim for the perfect shot, full of hope, but fail miserably. Again and again. Sometimes the circle breaks as we succeed but we always fall back in a new one. That is why we have to set boundaries. To preserve us from the pain failure brings.

When you're the one in need of another chance, all you can do is pray you didn't just waste your last one. This is not up to you and when you reach that one last chance and miss it, all you are left with is regret, one of the worst feeling ever.'

Breathe in. Breathe out.

It didn't happen again.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

This is in your head.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Stop torturing yourself

Breathe in. Breathe out.

You are fine.

"Jade, are you alright?" I hear someone say but I can't decipher who it is.

My head is spinning, I can't even tell if I'm sitting or still lying in my bed.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

You managed to stop your crisis before, you can do one more.

"Jade!" Someone yells.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

End this.

My hands are covering my ears as I'm rocking back and forth with my eyes shut tight. I'm gasping for air between my sobs, trying to get the images out of my head for the hundredth time. Hell, for the millionth time.

"Stop it!" my mother yells as she grabs both my hand and my casted arm to bring me face to face with her.

I stop. I stare right into her eyes full of tears, trying to gather myself. Her hands have let go of my arms to rest on my cheeks, forcing me to look at her.

"I didn't mean to yell, I-I didn't know what to do... I thought you were not having nightmares anymore," she whispers, her voice barely audible.

"I'm fine, Mom. I haven't had one in a long time," I lie as I look away, pushing her hands away from my cheeks.

Lying to her hurts me much more than I thought it would, but I'd rather endure this pain than put her through it by telling her I can't seem to get better. She doesn't need that.

I move the bed sheets away from me and attempt to stand up. But my legs are too shaky for me to stand. My mother grabs my arm before I fall and help me to sit back on my bed. I don't want to look at her, I can't see the tears in her eyes, especially when I try to control my own.

"Don't shut me out," she tells me as she takes my hand. "Let me be here for you."

I could almost laugh. Almost. I love my parents but I don't approve what they do. You can't just lose one daughter and act as if you had lost both. This is not fair.

I have this anger inside of me but at the same time, I don't want to add to my parent's sadness. What's best for all of us is that I keep my mouth shut and we deal with our own problems since that's how they want to do.