Broken Until Him

Chapter 17 ~ Selfishness

'Selfishness is something I've always tried to avoid. I used to think that I wasn't selfish since I was putting people's needs before mine.

But selfishness isn't only about that, it's also about our actions and our needs. We do what seems to be good for us, but what about people surrounding us?

We often think about the repercussions of our actions once we've accomplished the selfish act. But it's too late, somebody has already been hurt.

The thing with selfishness is that no matter what we choose to be, selfish or not, people will suffer from our decisions, whether it's ourselves or the others.'

My parents haven't spoken a lot to me since our fight. I assume my mother didn't say anything to my father about my little meeting with Nathan and I'm thankful for that. I know she doesn't see things like my father, but she will never admit it.

The only words escaping her lips were when we got home after she caught me lying, when she asked me to never see him again and told me she would keep my phone for a week. I didn't even answer and went to my room without acknowledging her.

It's been three days since I last talked to Nathan. As much as I want to see him, hear him and touch him, it feels wrong. I think I begin to understand my parents' reaction, the way they feel towards Nathan even though they don't know him. They aren't scared that I end up with a broken heart, they are scared that if Nathan ever hurts me, I won't be able to resurface. They are afraid of one and only thing : that I choose to put an end to my life, like Hashley did.

But I won't. I won't let that happen again because I'm not Hashley. We may have a lot in common, but selfishness isn't one of them. Because what other adjectives could describe suicide if not this one? She did it without a second thought, she did it without thinking about the consequences. The only thing she thought about was the relief she would feel once her life will be over. Did she once think about her family before taking those pills? Did she think about me? About Hannah? I don't know what pushed her to do that but I know she didn't think about us, because if she did, she would have never put the pills into her mouth.

I close my diary and throw it across my bedroom. I hate this day because she isn't with me. I hate her for leaving me behind. I hate myself for hating her. I've always heard that there was a thin line between love and hate, and I think I'm standing right on it.

My bedroom door swings open to reveal an excited Hannah, almost running towards my bed. I try to fight the urge to go hide in the bathroom and fake a bright smile, fake happiness to hide the pain caused by the hole in my chest.

"Happy birthday !" She shouts jumping on my bed, next to me.

She places a small box between the two of us, grinning like if this was the best gift - or prank - she has ever done. I eye her cautiously before taking the box.

"Thank you, Han, you're the first to wish it to me," I say. "I swear if this is one of your not-so-fun pranks I'll put that box and what's inside down your throat," I threaten her with a smudge smile.

"Well, be prepared for any eventuality," she laughs and puts a strand of hair behind her ear as I roll my eyes. "What do you mean I'm the first one? It's almost three in the afternoon and nobody wished you a happy birthday except me ?"

"I know, it's pretty sad," I try to jock but the look on Hannah's face makes me want to hide in the bathroom again. "It's fine Han, really," I smile and hand her the paper I found this morning on the kitchen counter.

I woke up all alone in this house. Hannah sends me a message telling me she had a few things to do and my parents left this note. Hannah reads the paper and gives it back to me, wincing. I take the note and glance one last time at it.