Broken Until Him

Chapter 11 ~ Hope

'I lost faith in hope. Hope is just a way to make us believe our future will be better. With hope, we can imagine a lot of unrealizable things, have dreams that will never come true.

And all those expectations that we didn't achieve will come back and hit us, making us believe we are not good enough because of our failures.

We all hope for good things to happen instead of bad things, but life is made of that, disappointing us each time.

Hope is just that, a way to crash our faith, our chimeras as well as our self-confidence.'

I wake up with a start, like every other night. My nightmare is still drowning me, preventing me to breathe correctly. My whole body is sweaty and shaking and my throat is aching, probably because of the scream that escapes my lips while I was sleeping.

When I started to have this nightmare two months ago, my parents were hurrying to my room to calm me down, but it didn't work like they expected it. So they don't come to reassure me anymore. I'm left all alone, overwhelmed by a nightmare that haunts me every night.

It's always the same, nothing ever changes though each time I hope the outcome will be different. I'm here, attending helplessly to the scene before me. Like if I was miles away from her yet I can see everything. Hashley's body on the floor, Hannah running and pushing me away from her. The screams breaking the deafening silence, high pitched and stabbing, ripping me apart.

My screams.

I lay in my bed, my eyes wide open.
I try to shake out of my head the thoughts of her and my nightmare, and think about the last days. The memories of the time I've spent with Nathan keep replaying in my mind. I can almost hear his deep laughter again. Each time I hear this sound, I feel like my heart is beating again. But it's just an illusion, she took all of it when she left.

What I call my heart is now the organ that pumps my blood and spreads it in my whole body just to keep me alive. Even my body betrays me, because I don't want to live. The only reason I'm still here is because she didn't want me to follow her.

I shake my head as if those thoughts would dismiss with that simple gesture and concentrate on Nathan.

The moments with him are the nicest I had since the incident. Probably because I was myself, and Nathan himself. We usually hang out after school, in the little parc not too far from my house. We talk about everything and nothing, but he never asks about my life.

I rise from my bed and head to the bathroom. I quickly shower and apply my make up to hide my secrets and pain.

My phone suddenly vibrates, making me jump. It must be Hannah. She called me three times yesterday, but I wasn't in the mood to pick up.

I've been avoiding her since she told me about the road trip. I don't want to disappoint her, it means a lot to her.

Next year, we will be thousands of miles away, Hannah in some European university, and me still here, in one of the universities of the United States. So this summer is our last chance to spend time together before being apart.

I pick up my phone from my nightstand and unlock it.

Nathan : Hey! Want to hang out with me before classes?

This is the first time he sends me a message. We exchanged our numbers a few days ago but I wasn't expecting a message from him that soon.