Relapse ★ Bucky Barnes

Ignorance is Bliss

Marlena sat idly in her seat, her gaze fixed out the window. All she could see below was the white haze of the clouds, as well as the deep blue of the Atlantic Ocean every once and a while. The plane ride to London had been a relatively quiet one, and even so there were about five hours left of it. Steve and Marlena trapped so deep within their own minds and emotions that it was hard for them to begin a conversation. Had Sam been present, making conversation would have been quite simple, but he had opted for a later flight to the UK, so the two of them counted on one another's presence to keep them sane.

The near silence of the plane ride had given Marlena's mind more than enough opportunity to venture towards Bucky, which was a topic she had been trying so desperately hard to avoid for the past month. The only one she ever talked to about it was Steve, but it had been over a week since she had last talked to him about Bucky.

Marlena missed Bucky; she missed Bucky so much that it physically pained her. Him leaving, on top of losing her mother and the Lagos incident, had completely shattered what was left of her already broken heart. She was a completely different person now than she was when she was with Bucky, and that was something the team (mostly Steve and Wanda) noticed immediately.

Even after her mom had passed, Marlena still managed to find the energy to joke around with everyone; you could see the brokenness in her hazel eyes, yet you could still see a small sliver of hope and light.

Now that Bucky was gone, Marlena was merely a shell of the person she used to be. There was no light in her eyes, nor was there any sign of hope, though she attempted to feign both. She was quieter than she used to be and refrained from speaking unless it was absolutely necessary. Her mind was just so jumbled that she could never find the words to say. Aside from Mason, the only two she had really held a decent conversation with during the last month had been Steve and Wanda. She loved all of the Avengers, but Steve and Wanda were familiar to her in ways even she couldn't understand. They were the closest to Bucky out of the group, and it was because of that Marlena managed to find even the smallest sliver of comfort in them, especially Steve.

Bucky's reasons for leaving had caused a great deal of turmoil within Marlena, though. She understood why he did it, but she still couldn't help but hate that he had done it in the first place. Marlena could take care of herself—she had proven that on multiple occasions—yet he still left in order to protect her and everyone else around him.

Him leaving made Marlena feel like a failure. After spending so much time trying to help him find himself again, he had only relapsed, and it was her fault. Had she stayed with him instead of going to Lagos, had she taken her selfish head out of her ass, Bucky would still be with her, and there was a pretty good chance the civilians she and Wanda had killed would still be around as well. She had let her anger for Rumlow blind her, and because of that she had allowed her biggest fear to become a reality: she had lost Bucky to Winter, and she wasn't sure when or if she would ever get him back.

Steve shifting beside Marlena removed her from her thoughts, and she looked over at him. His head was pressed against the back of the seat and his grip on the arm rest of the seat was so tight that the whites of his knuckles began to protrude. Marlena didn't need to look in his mind to know that something was wrong.

"You okay, Steve?" Marlena asked him, though she knew what the answer would be.

"I could be better," he said quietly, looking over at her. "I'm just glad you're here with me, otherwise I'd be slowly spiraling downward."

Marlena let out a sigh and looked down at her hands. "I'm sorry that this is happening to you. You deserve better, Steve—you deserve so much better."

"I could say the same to you, too, Mar," Steve sighed. "But thank you. It just–it just hurts, y'know? I've officially lost everything and everyone I had left from my life before the ice. And I know Bucky isn't dead or anything, but him being gone. . .I just don't know."