Relapse ★ Bucky Barnes

JUNE TWENTY-SECOND

Bucky,

It's been a week since I've last written in this journal, and I'm sorry. I've just been dealing with my emotions lately, so it was kind of hard to write when I couldn't see through my damn tears. I'm trying to hold off on the waterworks now so I can write to you, but I don't know how long I have until they force their way out.

I'm just gonna cut to the chase here. My life is hell without you. I've tried and tried to find something to make myself feel even the slightest bit better, but I can't. I feel as if I can barely function without you by my side, and that's no exaggeration. This is so much worse compared to the month I spent without you and it's only been a little over two weeks since you've been gone. I'm just scared that I'll never get to see you again; I'm scared that they won't be able to fix you; I'm scared that I'll have to spend the rest of my life without you, and let's be honest. . .there is no life for me without you in it, Bucky. You ARE my life.

I just can't handle you being gone. It's not fair. You should be here with me instead of freezing over in some cryogenic container for the next God knows how many weeks, months, or even years. You belong with me, just as I belong with you. You're my other half, you're my soulmate, you're my person. I don't just want you, Bucky. I NEED you. I need you more than I've ever needed anyone in my life, and without you here I'm just incomplete. It's getting to the point where I wanna hop on a plane to Wakanda and wake you up myself just to take away the pain.

I just need you to come back to me. I need to see you. I need to look into those beautiful blue eyes of yours. I need to feel your lips against my own. I need to feel the warmth of your body against mine. I need to feel you pressed against me at night.

God, I just need you.

Adjusting to a life without you in it has been among the hardest things I've had to do. I just want things to go back to the way they used to be. I know they weren't exactly ideal, what with the both of us dealing with so much, but I'd live through that a hundred times over if it meant I was able to live through it with you. I'd do anything for you and you know that. I just wish I would've been able to do something prevent you from having to leave me. I wish I could've helped you myself instead of leaving you with those people. I understand why you didn't want me to, and I'm okay with that, but I'm not okay with you being gone. I never will be.

I think I've burdened you enough with my feelings, so I'm probably just gonna try to go to sleep before I get started on how hard it is sleeping in a bed without you, which, by the way, is pretty damn hard.

I love you, baby boy.

Yours,

Marlena