melancholia ✔︎

reasons

It's been two weeks. Two weeks of miserableness and exhaustion. Of never feeling good enough and these flashes of memories that just bring misery that I don't want to remember any longer.

Of watching the pile of scars grow, the ruby red droplets fall and the silver blade cutting, gleaming against the shaft of light in my forever darkened room.

I can't stand this anymore. This is torture. Pain. I can't bear the weights of living anymore, the effort it takes. Because I only have an ever growing list of reasons to die. Not a single reason to live.

Not even one. The title is there, scribbled in pencil. Nothing except lines and lines and lines, blank lines underneath.

Reason One. My mother is dead. She isn't coming back. Ever. She was everything to me, as any mother is to their child. She was the loving female figure in my life that was always there, always caring, always ready to help, give advice, and make things right again. She was my mother. She kept it all together. Now she was gone, and I was left with my father and him alone. And there's no point of living anymore at all, so why don't I join her?

Reason Two. My father doesn't give a damn, he's never home anymore, he's always drunk or hangover and we can barely pay the bills every month. We scrap by food wise, I'm the only one cooking when I have to, food that I leave out for him on the table. Food that's still there in the morning. The electric bills are long overdue. Not to mention the rent. School fees. Water prices. Everything. It all adds up and I can't get the money together to pay for what my father should be paying with a steady job.

A steady job he doesn't have.

Reason Three. School. School is torture, every day, mostly because of the next reason.

Reason Four. The hate, the bullying that never stops. It never does, and I can't ever escape from it. Because it follows me, everywhere I go. Everywhere. That's why I've just stopped going. I know I'm supposed to. I know grades, tests, exams and assignments are happening right now that all go to be final grades. The grades to go to college with. College. University.

It all seems to far and impossible anyways.

No one likes me anyways. I'm the social outcast. I'm the one barely hanging on to the last rung of the social ladder. I'm the one who never has a partner for group work. The last picked for the sports teams. The one who can't stand going to the cafeteria for lunch because she knows everyone's going to be there, forever tearing her down.

Reason Five. The pain. It hurts. What most people don't understand is, that is hurts. It hurts so bad like nothing else.

Reason Six. Depression. Depression was like this ghost of me that snuck in and destroyed the real me, the old me, the old me that is gone, long gone, forever and ever and ever.

Reason Seven. Never being good enough. I'm not good enough for anyone. Not my mother, she's dead. Not my father, he doesn't care. Not my "friends," not my classmates, not my school, not my teachers, not my anything. Not even myself.

I look at the last one written neatly in my cursive at the very end.

Kyle.

Reason #314.

Him. Him. HIM.

Tears spring to my eyes just thinking about the boy who seemed to be my saviour then only deemed my crazy.

I thought he understood. I really thought he did. But then, he just ended up like everyone else. He really didn't understand. No one did. No one would.

But....

I pick up my phone and dial that stupid number that the counsellor promised would make everything better.

She'll never know it just made things worse.

I press the glowing green button.

Call.

Author's Note:

Heyyy! I published two updates today to make it up for you guys! Also, a note. Not in this chapter, but in the past couple, did you see the little mention of the chapter number inside the chapter in some way? I did that on purpose.... :D 

xxx

dreamer :)