Here Is All I Have

t w o

he doesn't come to school on Monday. he always skips school, the difference of  today is this; he didn't tell me he was skipping. I text him once, then twice, and when it's lunchtime and I still haven't heard from him, I realize he isn't going to answer me. he could be dead, for all I know. although, I somehow know that I would feel him. I would know something was wrong. I must've done something to upset him. I fear he is preparing to leave me, so after school I call him until he answers. he sounds out of breath and tired.

"hey, babe, where have you been all day? I've been trying to get ahold of you for a few hours now..." I try not to sound too concerned.

he breathes heavily and goes on to answer me, "I've been busy. we can hang out soon, alright? I don't know why you go ape shit when I leave my phone for a couple of hours. I'm walking to your house now. we need to talk." he sounds so angry with me. will he break up with me? I can't let this end. he's my love. my religion. my purpose.

when he arrives, my mother gives me a disapproving look, but says nothing to me. saying nothing is a frequent occurrence lately. I think she's trying to distance herself from me in case I leave her. so it won't hurt as bad as it did with my brother. I have no time to feel guilty for this, so I turn away.

"let's go to your room. now." my love says to me. I choose not to say anything, I simply take his hand in mine and walk down the hall to my bedroom.

"I missed you," I blurt as he says, "you're a fucking joke."

"what? I..." I'm speechless. he has been rude to me before, of course, he's even gotten slightly physical. but what he said just now hurt me the most. "I missed you," I repeat, tears already flowing like lava from my eyes. I'm a volcano, erupting uncontrollably. I'm burning everyone around me to ash, and no matter how much I wish to stop, I cannot.

"you're a fucking joke." he repeats. "I thought you'd be easy to play with, you know? and you have been. you've been so easy... but now I just feel bad for you. you won't even acknowledge yourself anymore. you're a joke. it's like, since you started dating me, you don't exist anymore. I liked it at first, but now it's just creepy. you can't spend just a few hours without knowing where I am or who I'm with. you're clingy as hell and I'm almost done trying to fix you. you need to fix yourself if you want anything to do with me. I'm embarrassed to be seen with you!"

his words hurt me. all I can think about is how to fix this, how to make him love me again. "I'm sorry, I'll do better, I promise. I don't have to know everything you're doing all the time. I trust you, baby,"

"I'm not asking you to trust me. if you were even slightly intelligent you would know you can't trust me. I'm just asking you to lay off. I'll keep dating you, but I'm going to sleep with other girls. and I might tell other girls I'm dating them to make them feel good about themselves. I might even take a girl out on a date. there's nothing you can do about it, just keep quiet and let me do what I want with you. in return, I'll tell you I love you and maybe take you on dates sometimes. this isn't a question, or a suggestion. this is me telling you what's up. can you handle that?"

I think over everything he's just said. I don't want him to be with anyone else, but if that is what makes him happy, I suppose...

I'm pulled from my thoughts by a stinging in my cheek. he's slapped me. my hand flies up to my face to soothe the pain but he stops me. taking my hand in his, he says, "that was a lesson for you. there's no thinking about that. you just agree. no questions or concerns. you do what I tell you."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," I cry hysterically. he holds me for a few moments, his hands holding me together in a figurative and literal sense. when he leaves, without a word, I don't say goodbye because I can't speak. I'm too afraid I'll do something wrong.