Here Is All I Have

f o u r

I wake up to the stars. I fell asleep around midnight, tired from today's events. now it is three in the morning.

"Bella! Bella?" I hear Lee shouting inside. I can't bring myself to answer him, or to get up. the stars have me in a trance. I'm so small, the sky seems endless to the small body and mind that belongs to me.

"Bella, holy shit! I thought you were gone, you scared the hell out of me," Lee is shouting. he's mad at me. I always seem to upset people.

"wait, I'm sorry. don't cry, I'm not mad at you." Lee sits, cross-legged, right next to me. I hadn't realized I was crying. "I'm not mad, I'm not. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have raised my voice, I'm so sorry." his voice is filled with regret.

"it's okay. I should have warned you, I always come outside when I can't sleep,"

"why's that?"

"the sky always puts things into perspective for me. I wake up in the night comtemplating everything I'm afraid to think of during the day. then I look at the sky, vast and quiet. the sky is so calm in spite of the many things taking place beyond it. there are planets and stars and black holes and dead bodies of the men and women who dared go to the beyond. and the sky looks so calm at night, always. the sky inspires me to be aware of everything around me, but calm. I have to be calm to be like the sky. I always try. and I come out at night to be reminded of this." I conclude and he's looking at me. he's looking into me.

"you speak like a poet,"

"I'm a writer. or, I was. two months ago."

"why in hell would you stop?" he questions.

"because of him. he clouded my thoughts. he forced me to experience things I couldn't bear to write down."

"what is his name? you've never said it. I find that strange, you love him and you talk about him and you think about him, but you have yet to tell me his name," his words make me think. I never say his name, I never even think it. why?

"I think... I see him as a God. I always call him my love, and to his face I use simple pet names that don't matter or sum up how much he means to me."

"so what's his name?"

"Peter. Peter Neilson."

"asshole,"

"take me home?" I ask him quietly.

"have I upset you?"

"no, no. I just think I need to see my mother."

"okay."

-

the drive is quiet. Lee gave me the aux cord and I played my favorite songs, something I wouldn't dare try for my love.

"I like this one," he says. we're so close to my house. minutes away.
"it's been my favorite for ages now," I admit, looking out the cracked window to the sky.
"it's kind of sad,"
"that's why it's my favorite,"

and we go silent again.

"well,

here we are." Lee says as he pulls into my driveway and parks.

"here we are," I smile at him. "thank you for everything, Lee Washington. you're very kind and I don't know if I could ever repay you."

"Arabella," he begins with a laugh, "you already have." when he notices my confusion he says, "I needed to meet you just as much as you needed to meet me,"