Here Is All I Have

t h r e e

"what's your name?" he asks me softly.
"Arabella. I go by Bella, or Ara, though."
"beautiful name..." he smiles at me. when he senses my discomfort he adds, "so, how long have you been together?"
"it feels like forever," I say, staring at the wall. I feel empty, knowing he's going home by himself, upset with me.
"how long has he been violent?" he questions, gently touching my bleeding nose. I don't feel anything he's doing.
"it was about a week into our relationship. I always find a way to set him off."
"I feel like you're blaming yourself for his behavior." he says as if he's judging me.
"well, that's because it's always my fault. he's trying to make me better, and I keep messing up. he's trying so hard to help me, and I'm not making it easy for him. I'm a terrible girlfriend. but he's the love of my life, he's given me chance after chance, and I have to believe we will make it through this. I can become who he wants me to be and we can be happy,"

"so you aren't happy now?" he tries to look at me. I don't want to see his saddened eyes, his sympathetic glare. he doesn't know anything.
"I am... it's complicated." I say. and it is. "I'm completely smitten with this boy, my love. I've felt it since the first day I met him. but he doesn't love me yet. and that really makes me sad." 

"you deserve better," he says, finishing up on my nose. "let me take you home,"
"aren't you working?"
"I'm about to move away, I don't really care about my job at the moment,"
"oh. okay, thank you." I sniffle, realizing my nose does, in fact, hurt badly.
"it's not broken," he says. it takes me a moment to realize he's referring to my nose.
"I wouldn't care if it was." I immediately regret saying this. my self-destructiveness always scares people away. "I'm sorry," I say, walking behind him out of the building. I'm surprised when he holds the door open for me, and as I go to thank him he grabs my shoulder gently, pulling me in front of him.

"why would you flinch?" he whispers to me. it's completely dark outside, I have no clue of the time.
"I didn't realize that I did." I whisper back. I don't know why we are whispering. maybe I'm supposed to be a secret.

"it's his fault," he practically sneers.
"no, that's not true. it's my fault. and I'm sorry,"
"you don't need to be,"
"okay..." I trail off. I don't know how to talk to this boy. I can't help but wish my love would come back for me, but I know he's not the type. I upset him, I hurt him, and he's done with me.

"why are you crying?" Lee takes me from my thoughts.
"I think he's done with me this time," I cry. we're stopped in front of a red minivan, a heavy-set woman is watching us curiously from the passengers seat. when I see people like her, I wonder what her story must be. who belongs in that drivers seat? does she love them? does she know what love is? I can only hope that she does.

Lee looks at me for a long time. His eyebrows furrow together, and I know he's thinking. I'm not sure what he's thinking of, but I think it's troubling him. "what?" I blubber through my tears. "stop staring at me!"
"has he kissed you?" I swear Lee steps closer.
"yes," I answer, looking again at the woman. she has a small smile on her lips, I can only wonder what she thinks of us.
"was he your first time?" his voice drops and he gets closer. I think back to that night. I wasn't ready. I cried the whole time. afterward, I realized I'd bled on his sheets, and he got so upset with me. I remember this was the first time he called me a slut, even though the insult didn't exactly fit the crime. I couldn't help that I had bled, he went so quickly and it was painful. it was my first time, we were meant to go slow. but he didn't listen to me, he just yelled. and he got violent that night.

"yes,"

"he's hurt you badly, hasn't he?" Lee looks so sad.

"I'm sorry I ruined your night," I ignore the question. I look to the lady again and she has a single tear streaming down her face. I realize her window is open.