Here Is All I Have

t h i r t e e n

I'm in shock when I've finished the chapter.

"Lee," I shout to him.

"Bella," he walks in. his smile hurts me.

"Lee," I can't think of anything worth saying. "I wish I'd known all of these things... the way you thought of me."

"I didn't even know how I thought of you until you were gone..." I can tell he wants me, even now.

"I wish I could love you the way you love me," I whisper. he steps closer with a frown on his face.

"it's okay." he sits down on his sofa. "you don't have to love me. but for your own sake, don't love him either."

"he's the reason I can't love you. he's made a home inside of me, he's burrowed so deep in my chest. I'm so sorry."

his shoulders shrug, and his eyes glaze over. I didn't mean to make him cry. I'm just trying not to hurt him. "your body is yours, Arabella. I wish you'd understand. anyone you let in, you can kick them out. you are the only constant in your life. and I know you've made a home of him too, but people are not houses."

"but I can't help it, he's my home."

"that's because he took every other aspect of your life away from you. come back. I'm from that old part of you, the one that saw hope and life. come back and stay with me." he's pleading with me, eyes so desperate and full of love for me. I hate to break his heart.

"I want to go back home. to Peter."

his eyes fall, and he nods. "in two days?" suddenly I'm reminded of the deal I made with Peter. I would be home in two days. if I really can't even go a day without him, what will become of me when inevitability comes along, and he leaves?

"I suppose."

the night isn't awkward, as I'd thought it would be. Lee plays my favorite movies, at my request. he even baked some cookies for me, with wine.

I find a way to let him in as I did months ago. I push Peter away, for now. and I see Lee. he's here, and he loves me unconditionally. he is kind and considerate. he's careful and soft. I see the way he looks at me. Peter has never looked at me that way.

so when Lee offers to start a bath for me, I laugh and say I can do it myself. I prefer showers, anyway.

I step in, appreciating the warm water. Peter prefers cold water, and fast sex, every time we shower together. I pretty much only shower with him, he prefers it.

this solitude, though. I appreciate it so. the warm water burns my body, cleansing me. the bathroom is brightly lit, so I do something I'd been afraid to do for months.

I look at myself. from head to toe. I examine my imperfections, and poke at the many bruises tattooed on my vessel. maybe those will fade a bit in the two days I'm here.

Lee wouldn't get angry at me for having bruises, then place more on my body. he might even touch the bruises... tell me what he thinks of me. kiss me.

but I don't want him to see me. I want him to think I'm pretty. I turn the overhead lamp off, the only light is what's sneaking through the blinds. I can hardly see my own hands in front of my face.

it's time to be brave. it's time to do something for me.

"Lee!" I call out for him.

of course, he's concerned. he stays outside, but yells, "bel? are you alright?"

"I'm fine... come in." I back further into the shower and second guess myself. this will be cheating, I'm still with Peter. do I really want to stoop as low as him? do I really want to hurt him?

oh please. this won't hurt him, it'll only make him violent. like always.

Lee opens the door, and I know he's hesitant, too. the shower is glass, but it's too foggy to see him clearly. "Bella?" he asks. he wants to know what I'm doing, but I don't know.

I pull the door open, and I put my lips to his. my entire body is soaking wet, and I'm bare. but he can't see me, he can't see my imperfections.

he isn't wearing a shirt, but he's wearing jeans and boots. he doesn't break our kiss as he pulls his socks and shoes off, stumbling into the shower. his jeans are lost eventually, thrown off to the side, completely saturated with water.

we touch each other, exploring each other's bodies. I crouch down to touch him, and that's when it sets in. I've only ever done this with Peter. this will change everything if we go any further.

but I continue anyway. it's not like Peter hasn't fucked hundreds of girls just in the time we've been together.

I still can't really see Lee's body, I can only make out his slim silhouette. all I have is his touch, and that's all I need.

I pleasure him, and he releases into my mouth. it's a foreign experience, going so slow, being so caring, during intimacy. it makes everything far more... euphoric.

"i love you," lee moans. i don't answer, because i don't think my answer would please him. right now, my actions are pleasing him. so i answer with a love bite on his neck.

when we're both content, he picks up my soaking wet body and carries me to his bed. he carefully placed me on his soft duvet. "i'm getting it wet," i say.

"it's okay, it's not the end of the world." he smiles.

suddenly i realize i'm completely uncovered in the light. lee can see everything. and he does.

"arabella," he sounds alarmed. "stand up please."

i silently shake my head and he grabs me, softly. unlike peter, who would've tugged on my wrist hard enough to bruise it.

"bella, you should go to the hospital. and why didn't i see this before?" he grabs my hand and sees the bruised knuckles. "did you... punch him?"

"no, i couldn't do that to him. i punched his father." lee laughs, then continues to examine my knuckles.

"okay, get dressed. i think we should go the hospital."

"alright."