Here Is All I Have

f i v e

"stop, stop! you don't want to do this, you don't want to hurt me!" I try to push him away. he's punching me everywhere, he gets a good blow to my chin and my vision blurs.

the moment he sighs, and leaves me laying there, I reach for my phone. I want to call Lee, more than anything. instead, I do the smart thing. I call 911.

-

I have a broken rib, an offset jaw, a broken nose (from the movies, actually. no wonder it was so sore,) and bruises covering almost my entire body. I protect my love, stupidly. I say someone broke in and did this to me, I never saw their face, but it was a man. the police are searching my house now.

also, Lee is on his way. when I got out of the x-rays and miscellaneous check-ups, I got to make a phone call. and I just had to call him. he sounded so hurt, pain so clear in his voice. I told him I tried to end things, but I was weak.

someone makes it here before Lee does.

the police. an officer tells me he is so sorry, but my mother is dead. she was locked in her bedroom. she killed herself, last night. if I'd just been there, been there for her, things could've been okay. she had been feeling so alone, but I didn't care. I put my feelings before hers. I was selfish. I killed my mother.

it was all my fault.

when the police leave, telling me I need to let them know what to do with her body, I have a fucking breakdown. I tear up the ugly yellow hospital pillows, I throw the thin blanket across the room. I grab the tray with food and throw it against the wall. I'm gathering everything I can, and flinging it wherever it wants to go. I'm so angry. how could she leave me? I wasn't acting like it, but I need her.

someone walks in during my mental breakdown. I expect it to be Lee, but it's not. it's Peter, my love. the one that did all of this. if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have been out of town last night. I would've been with her, we could've watched movies all night and are our favorite snacks together.

my mother was my best friend.

and she's dead because of me.

no, she's dead because of him.

"you killed her!" I scream, running at him. he falls to the ground and I pound on his torso angrily. "she's dead!"

Peter lets me hit him for awhile, then he turns me swiftly, so my back is on his chest. he holds me still, and we lay there on the floor for awhile. it feels so good to be in his arms. it's safety, but he's not safe. he hurt me, he hurt my mom.

"baby, you're hurt. being violent might make things worse. in a few weeks, when you're completely healed, I'll let you hit me. I deserve it, and more," his words surprise me. he didn't stop me because I was hurting him, he stopped me because I could be hurting myself.

"I love you, please stop disappointing me," I whisper to him. he stands up, taking me with him. he carries me back to my bed, and sits me down carefully. I don't know if he's ever been so cautious with me.

"I'm so sorry, Ara. I will do better. I'll turn myself in for hurting you, if you'd like me to,"

"I'm not dead, and you're a white straight male. nothing will be done if you turn yourself in. you just need to better yourself, okay? please,"

"okay, I promise. I promise I'll be what you need," I say nothing else. but how will I ever trust him? he will struggle with his anger for the entiredy of his life. he could hurt me again, I'm sure he will.