Here Is All I Have

n i n e

"let's get really drunk," Trevor suggests. "and find someone for you to fuck,"

"I only want to fuck Peter," I say over the loud music playing in this club. it's filled with drunk people grinding to shitty tunes. I'm not into this.

"so call him and tell him you want to break up, and that if he's not here within the hour you'll go home with someone else," he says. "maybe he'll come for you,"

"he doesn't care! I have to make him care..."

"just go outside and do what I said, you never know what will work."

"okay, come with me though. I don't trust the people here," I scream. it's so loud. he leads me out of the club, to a bench across the street.

we sit in silence as the phone rings. of course, he doesn't answer. so I leave a voicemail. Trevor silently cheers me on. this won't work.

"Peter, I know I said that what you've been doing is okay. but it isn't, I can't do this. it's me or all the other girls. I think I know what you'll choose. I'm one, replaceable girl. they're prettier than I, they're better for you. but they don't love you like I love you. I've gone back to you countless times, I am not irreplaceable but I am dependable. if you aren't at Red's Bar within the hour, I will find someone else who can treat me well. I hope it doesn't come to that, but I am on my last fucking nerve with you. I deserve better. and I've told you that before. I believe in you, baby. show me the better you."

when I hang up, Trevor puts an arm around me.

"I think you can do so much better," it seems he's lost faith in Peter too.

"but I'm hopelessly in love. I don't want better, I want him."

"fuck, I want to love like you do," he says.

"how do I love?"

"you love with every part of you. that's amazing. you love with your body, your mind, even your fucking soul. you love before you trust, before you do anything else. love overcomes every other thing in your life. I bet that's a struggle sometimes, but I find that so fascinating. and it's something to take pride in."

"damn."

my vision is blurring for some reason, I've hardly had anything to drink. Trevor brought me one vodka, but there's no way a few sips of that got me drunk.

"maybe it would be better if you trusted before you loved," he adds. this strikes me as odd.

I feel so wonky. suddenly I'm being picked up but I can't see who is touching me. I hear more than one voice. I hear the loud music yet again. why would we be going back into the club?

"I'm sorry, Ara. you deserve better than this." Trevor says into my ear. then it feels as if he hands me off to someone else.

a strange voice is talking now. "is your manwhore not coming? what a shame. he's probably in the middle of a nice fuck, you know? too busy to come save his little baby from some horny strangers." I try to swat these hands away, I can't tell how many hands I'm actually dealing with. four? ten? I don't know what's going on. this day has been shit from start to finish.

these people have dirty mouths, telling me their filthy plans as they remove my leggings.

"what the hell are you doing?" I would recognize this voice anywhere. it's my love.

"fuck off!" Peter yells. I think he punches someone and there's a scream. "don't touch her,"

he came for me. he chose me. he saved me.