Conditions Applied?!

32~ Nandini

" Kuch der byathogi mere saath?! " he asked looking straight at me.

That took me by surprise.
Why was he so difficult to understand?!

I wished to decline but I ended up saying a yes, for a change. He walked out of the room and I followed.
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We sat there by the pool side, our legs in the not-so-cold water; looking up at the black sky filled with stars. There was silence. But it was peaceful. I looked at him, but he was busy staring and gazing at those stars.

"Manik tum thik ho na?! " I asked

"Aren't they beautiful?!..The stars? ...They just have to shine! " he said still looking up.

What was the need of hiding?! I didn't know. I tried my luck another time.

"Manik tum thik ho na?! " I repeated

He faced me this time and looked at my face for quite a while before he spoke again.

"Tumhe kya farak padhta hai? " he asked looking in my direction. My eyes were swelling up again. Why couldn't he just tell me he was okay?!

"Kuch nahi... "

I couldn't sit there any more. I knew I would break. He was hiding his pain and that was all the more disturbing.

I stood up to leave but he held my hand. He took in a deep breath and looked at his leg, immersed in the water. His touch was cold, cold enough to make me shiver, to scare the hell out of me.

" You don't need people for your survival. Everyone's here for their own needs. People don't care. And love! Finding love always equals to loosing. " he nearly whispered but I caught each word.

I looked down at him for quite a while.

" No ones born Superman!... Chahe koi kitna bhi strong ho at times even they break.... Everyone needs a support system...and love.. That's the best support... You share your feelings... You get attached.. Yes detachment does cause harm.. But then I guess that's never love... It was just lust..when people love they share a bond... A bond so strong that detachment is never an option. "

He had left my hand. I looked at my hand and then at him. I really couldn't help if he didn't want to share because I probably couldn't tell him what I had to share!! So I decided leaving and motioned to do so, turning my back towards him and facing the house.

"I'm okay"

A drop of tear escaped my eyes. The inside of me was crumbling. I looked back at him , at his back rather. He was looking down yet. I sighed and went back in.
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I ran back to my room with loads of tears in my eyes. I shut my eyes tight as I stood at the window, facing out. I wish I knew how to make a feeling stop. How just throw it all out.

I sat down , resting on the wall . My knees folded close to my face and I rested my chin on it.

Letting go doesn't mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be. It hurts to let go. But at times it hurts more to, hold on.