I Used To Be

Chapter 2

            I was lying in my bed, staring at the ceiling. My phone was on my stomach; it was 3:00 in the afternoon. I had just gotten off the phone with Brandy, who explained that apparently Cash was taking some kind of advanced English course this summer and he thought maybe I could be of some use to him. I mean, of course that's what it was. What else could it be? First of all, why was Cash in summer school? And secondly, I thought summer school was for remedial situations so why and how was he in some advanced class? I was totally confused. I sort of wanted to help him out, and I also didn't. I wanted him to be texting me because he actually liked me, not because he needed to use me for some school bullshit. But I was also completely incapable of ignoring his text. It was already making me anxious that it was 3:00 and I still hadn't responded. He was going to think I was a bitch. Or maybe he'd just think I'm incredibly busy, or popular? Hm. Maybe my fear was working to my advantage here. Still, time to deal with this. I raised my phone to eye level, parallel with the ceiling and re-read his text.

(555) 431-7724: Hey. This is Cash. What's up. What r u up to today?

Hopefully I had waited long enough that "today" wasn't going to happen. God, what if he actually wanted to talk on the phone? No, Cash seemed like the kind who would prefer to communicate solely via text, as was I. Okay. Here goes.

Me: Hey Cash. got yr text. sorry it took me so long to respond. what's up?

Send.

Phone facedown on my stomach, eyes squeezed shut. God, I wanted to binge. Why the fuck did I throw all that food away earlier? But actually . . . I felt somehow different after that. Like I wasn't me. Because Anna the disgusting fucked-up pig could never have thrown out 3 grocery bags worth of binge food. Never. But this Anna, whoever she was, the one who calmly took her book and her menus and walked out of Isabelle's office without crying, she didn't buy binge food at all. She was a good, disciplined little dancer. Someone who Isabelle would be proud of. Someone who could maybe one day be a real ballerina. A thin ballerina.

I felt for my hipbones. I had to prod a bit, but they were there. And for once, I was okay with where they were right now. I was okay with feeling the pudge at my waistline, okay with having to press to locate my ribs. Because this new Anna wouldn't look like this forever. So I could deal with this body right now. It was only temporary. This was old Anna's body. New Anna's body would be different. Smaller. Much smaller.

My phone vibrated on my stomach. The pudgy part.

Cash: Some of us are hanging at Pearson's. Wanna stop by

Pearson's was a local drug store where the preps -- the popular kids -- hung out. I never quite understood why they hung out at a drug store, mostly in the parking lot, but whatever. They also sometimes hung out at another drug store, Tom Jones, or at a gas station, Stop-n-Go. I guess they all belonged to different country clubs or something so that wouldn't do. Although they probably had to be on their best behavior at the country club. I knew they did things like smoke cigarettes in these parking lots. When they wanted to drink they went to a place called "the field" that was literally what it sounds like -- a big open field nestled in one of their neighborhoods. I had never actually been to any of these places. I mean, I had been to the drug stores for sodas and whatnot and the gas station for actual gas; I had seen them all there, but I didn't even try to wave or say hi. I knew my place.

I also knew, thanks to Brandy, that Cash didn't actually want to hang out with me. I was surprised he was inviting me to be around him when his friends were there. I would have thought we could work out this tutoring situation via text, or at least by meeting one-on-one, probably still in a parking lot somewhere. God, this town couldn't be lamer. But whatever. At least now I knew not to have expectations; I knew the deal. And I knew I'd say yes to whatever he proposed. And I kind of hated myself for that.