I Used To Be

Chapter 9

It was weird: as I approached the studio in the passenger seat of Brandy's car, I felt oddly comforted knowing that Isabelle would be in class. I just felt like I needed to be near someone who cared about me. And regardless of . . . everything . . . I did know that Isabelle was that person. I'm not sure I realized that before now.

Brandy chattered about her latest crush on the way; I could always count on her to be so self-absorbed that I could get pretty much anything past her. When she saw my car in the parking lot, she asked, "So, you had food poisoning or something yesterday, is that what you said?"

"Yeah. A girl from company had to drive me home. I'm fine now though. Thanks for the ride."

"Yup yup. Hey, I'm gonna be texting you about this Cash sitch, k?"

"Of course! I definitely want to figure this out. Talk to you soon."

I had never seen Isabelle in the locker room, and fortunately no one else knew what happened yesterday, so I got to just change for class as normal without any questions or concern. I hoped that the Monroes would be discreet. I really didn't want any of these girls to know. I already felt like enough of an outsider. But I did notice that skinny girl Carrie smiling at me. In a knowing way. But she couldn't possibly know, so it was probably just my imagination. She was just being friendly.

Once we were dressed and therefore past the awkwardness of trying to have a conversation while covering up our parts, she approached me.

"Hi. I'm Carrie," she said simply.

"Hey. I'm Anna."

"Everyone here is actually pretty nice, they're just off in their own little worlds, you know?"

"Oh yeah, totally! I mean, it's not like I've really made much of an effort either."

"Yeah, well I know it's hard to start at a new dance school. Most of these girls have been here since they were little. I just started last year, so I know how you feel."

"Really? Where did you dance before?"

"Oh I was just at a little local school back in Milwaukee. I just moved here last year."

"Yeah, I came from a small studio across town. Miss Terry's. If you haven't lived here long I'm sure you haven't heard of it."

Carrie just smiled, indicating that no, she indeed had not.

"Well if you ever want to hang out sometime, I have a pretty sweet collection of dance videos at my house. Sometimes I like to try to figure out the variations. Maybe we could do that together." And I could find out how you stay so fucking skinny.

"I totally do that too! And yes, that would be great." We pulled out our phones and inputted each others' phone numbers.

Somehow knowing that maybe Carrie and I could be friends made me feel better about things with Isabelle. I didn't want her to be my only friend here. It felt too . . . intimate. Even if I never became friends with the other girls, at least maybe Carrie and I could (exchange tips and tricks) be friends.

Isabelle was in her usual spot stretching when Carrie and I walked in. She raised her eyebrows in a concerned look as she saw me; I tried to give her my best reassuring smile. Now, did I go talk to whichever Monroe was teaching before class so they didn't single me out, or just hope for the best? I decided on the latter.

Fortunately Mrs. Monroe was teaching today, and I had a feeling she couldn't have given less of a shit how I was feeling, as long as I didn't pass out again and inconvenience her. I didn't plan on it. I had actually eaten a little today, figuring that fainting two days in a row would put me in serious danger of getting kicked out of this school already. I needed to figure out a better food plan, since I obviously needed to eat enough not to faint, but still keep losing weight. I mentally gave myself that homework assignment for after class, and then tried to narrow my focus to the plié combination being given.

I knew I wouldn't be able to leave without at least checking in with Isabelle; I just wanted to do it without being too obvious. So I purposely walked by her as I headed for the door at the end of class.

"Hey. How are you feeling?"

"I'm all better," I said, with a forced cheerfulness. "Thanks again for helping me out last night."

"Of course. Anytime." She gave me a smile that made me instantly warm. But that was all. She didn't try to make me talk more. This made me feel good, like maybe we could just let things rest. I felt . . . safe. I liked it. Maybe being in Company with her would actually be okay.