I Used To Be

Chapter 9 Part 15

Carrie was already in the studio when I walked in. Private school. Somehow that made sense.

"Anna!" she squealed, running towards me and grasping my hands, jumping up once and then, like she suddenly remembered that there were people around, people who didn't get cast in any solo roles, she just stood there, vibrating and smiling so hard she almost looked like she had wrinkles.

"I know! Yay!" I said, moving my face closer to her wrinkles, so our foreheads touched for a second.

"Girls. Places please," Mrs. Monroe said, making her way to the "teacher barre" at the front of the studio. There was no mention of the cast list. There didn't need to be. I noticed some of the girls looking a little more deflated than usual as we began our warm-ups. I immediately shut down any external signs of celebration and focused on the plié combination being given. I really did feel bad for the girls who thought they were going to get Snow Queen. I mean, Carrie and I were the newest . . . No one thought they were going to get Sugarplum, so that shouldn't have been a shock, but I assumed that if I was completely surprised at being cast as Snow Queen, so was everyone else.

After class was over, Mr. Monroe entered the studio and stood at the front of the room. Finally someone was going to talk about the damn Nutcracker. It felt as though we all exhaled for the first time, and then inhaled and held our breath again, wondering what he had to say about it.

"Ladies," he said, bringing his hands together in front of him, "I assume you've all seen the cast list. Congratulations, everyone danced very well on Saturday. We will post the rehearsal schedule tomorrow, as different parts will be on different schedules, but plan to be here most of the day on Saturday, beginning this weekend. Many of you will be here for a while after class during the week too. Make sure to discuss this with your parents; I need to know if there need to be any shifts in casting as soon as possible, so do let me know tomorrow if there are any issues. Thank you," he said, clapping his hands, "This is going to be a great year." He smiled and exited, upstage. We all just stood there.

"Class dismissed!" Mrs. Monroe said, abruptly, like she didn't know what to do either, or else that we were supposed to know, and we were fucking up. But then again, she often had that look.

By the time I came out of the locker room, Isabelle was already gone. I guess she didn't want to talk after all.

But Carrie was waiting for me in the parking lot, practically vibrating with excitement.

"Can you believe we got Snow Queen??" she squealed. I had never seen her this excited.

"I can totally believe you got it, but me? No. I still don't think it's sunk in." This was the truth. I know that I was actually thrilled, but I felt a little numb. I was having this swirl of feelings that had to do with Isabelle, and that was overshadowing my moment, which was completely pissing me off. If it weren't for her, I would be able to fully celebrate right now. Instead I was seething, sad, and . . . scared? Of what I didn't know.

"Haha, I feel the same way," Carrie said. "I wasn't surprised at all to see your name up there, but mine? That was seriously a shocker."

"I hope they schedule us for a lot of rehearsals. I don't pick up choreo very fast. Do you know if Mr. Monroe's choreo is like any of the other Nutcrackers, like City Ballet?"

"No, City Ballet has Clara as one of the leads, and Mr. Monroe just puts a kid in that role. Usually the best kid, but still, she's not on pointe or anything. I mean, I can see snatches of some of what he does in PNB maybe, but if you're thinking of trying to start learning it from YouTube, I wouldn't do it. It might mess you up. Mr. Monroe is pretty patient, so let's just hope he teaches us more than Mrs. Monroe," she said, dropping her voice.

"Who are the guys? I didn't know we even had guys here? Is there a special class for them or something?"

"No, they're guests. Apparently they've had guys here in the past, but since it's so easy for them to get into an even better school, most of them do. I didn't recognize the names. I just hope they're not from too far away so we can rehearse with them enough before the show. Last year he hired a Sugarplum Prince from like California or somewhere and Candy only had a week to rehearse with him. She was fine, of course, but we all had to hear about it, constantly."

God, I would shit. There was no way I could learn all the partner choreo in a week. I wasn't going to even consider that as a possibility. I had enough shit ruining this moment as it was.

"Anyway, I'm just glad it was you. You're really the only person I'd want to spend all that time with," Carrie said. The excitement and adrenaline was making her extra affectionate apparently. This was a side of her I hadn't really seen.

"Me too," I said a little awkwardly. Isabelle flashed through my heart again, like a muscle spasm. In some alternate universe, she and I would be doing something like this together someday. But not here, not now, not ever. The summer was quite enough. Look where that landed us. I had a sudden sense memory of her smell when I walked up behind her earlier. A woodsy blend of faint patchouli and other unidentifiable fragrances that complimented both the patchouli and her natural scent perfectly. It drove me fucking crazy. To the point that I had even considered stealing a shirt from her bag just so I could have that smell whenever I wanted it. But fuck that. I hated her.

Carrie suddenly pulled me into a quick, intense hug. "Anyway – yay us! Snow Queens! See you tomorrow!" she said as she jumped into her car and started the engine almost simultaneously with slamming the door.

Yay. Snow Queens. I was excited. For sure.