I Used To Be

Chapter 9 Part 3

            Getting to Isabelle's wasn't that straightforward, and I wasn't usually good with directions, so I was about as surprised as she was going to be when I pulled up to her house. I didn't park in the driveway; I elected to park in front. I didn't know why. It seemed rude to trap her in her own driveway.

I felt like I should be more upset, given what had just happened, but I felt calm, focused. I almost stayed in the car to try to conjure up some tears, which seemed sketchy. It's not like I was lying about what had just happened, I just didn't feel anything about it. And I felt like I should, or that Isabelle might not believe me. I sat there for a split second, and quickly realized that if I tried to fake cry then I was probably going to actually start to feel something, and that was the absolute last thing I wanted. So I leapt out of the car, again slamming the door unreasonably hard.

"Anna!" Isabelle exclaimed when she opened the door. She looked ridiculously cute. Her hair was in this crazy cross between a ponytail and a bun and was exploding all over the top of her head. She was wearing red and green flannel pajama pants and a pink t-shirt with a teddy bear on it that looked like she'd probably had it since she was 12. In fact, she looked 12 right then. She looked like a little girl who shouldn't be allowed to dress herself. The blue-and-white snowflake slippers completed the package. She looked like she should be holding a juice box and a fruit roll-up. And for some reason, that did it. The image of her, looking so sweet and soft and innocent. Hayley and I should be sweet and soft and innocent. We should not be running away from our drunken father after pulling him off our mother mid-homicide. This wasn't fair. This wasn't fucking fair. I should not need to be here, bothering this beautiful, sweet woman right now. I should be home, baking cookies, or doing my homework – I don't know – what the fuck do normal teenagers do? Not this. Definitely not this. I promptly burst into those "fake" tears I had been contemplating in the car moments ago. Isabelle pulled me into her arms and inside the house, pushing the door closed. It slammed. Which made me cry harder for some reason. Suddenly I didn't feel like my legs could hold me anymore and I sort of slid down her body. She followed me down, supporting me so I didn't crash. With all the grace of a dancer, she pulled her legs underneath her so that she could wrap me in her arms like the crying child I was. There were so many reasons I should be uncomfortable, freaked out, running as far from her as possible, but right then this was the only place I wanted to be. I needed her. I absolutely needed her.

I had no idea how long we were there on the welcome mat that strangely seemed devoid of dirt. But even after I stopped crying, she kept holding me and rocking me, which was exactly what I needed. It occurred to me that I really knew nothing about her. I didn't know about her parents, her childhood, if she had ever been through anything like this. She was probably one of those people who grew up with two normal parents who supported and nourished and encouraged her, and she was probably going to be horrified when I told her what happened. She would probably try to understand, or worse, give me a pitying look . . . I was trying to think if I had ever told anyone the truth about what went on at home. I mean, Brandy and Emily basically knew, but we still didn't really talk about it. Emily's parents were wonderful, so she was definitely one of those people. Brandy's mom was crazy like her, and her parents' relationship seemed constantly on the rocks, but at least they were still together. I felt like at least Brandy understood a little bit. Neither of her parents were alcoholics or anything like that, but they both had their moments. I think there had been some infidelity, maybe even on the part of both her parents. This was probably another reason Brandy and I were still friends. Because at this point, we didn't have to talk about that stuff, because we just knew. So why wasn't I at Brandy's right now?