I Used To Be

Chapter 10, Part 3

Thursday night. Final dress rehearsal.

There was a smattering of parents in the audience, but I hadn't invited anyone. Cash wanted to come, so did Mom, but I told them it would just make me more nervous. I'd rather have them see me once I was used to the lights and the adrenaline, and all of the factors that made performance much, much different from rehearsal.

If I thought I felt bad on Monday, I felt even worse now. I was getting really dizzy during pirouettes, and I'd had a few scary bobbles throughout the week. Not good.

My legs felt heavy, like there was lead in them. I also felt like there was a stone, or a fist in my chest. This was new today. I chalked it up to anxiety, but there was part of me that was really worried. I was also nauseous and I was getting really winded during and after each variation, almost to the point that I felt like I wasn't going to be able to finish. My hands felt extra clammy, and my feet were so cold in my pointe shoes they felt numb. I weighed in at 87 pounds that morning. Instead of being excited, I felt scared. Even I knew that number was pretty low. When I turned around and looked at my back in the mirror, not only was my entire spine sticking out like spikes on the back of a dinosaur, but there was definitely fur on my lower back. I had read about this on PAM. I think it was called lanugo or something like that. It probably meant I wasn't fat anymore, even though I still felt that way sometimes.

I got through the pas okay because I had my partner Jeff to lean on, but by the time he exited and left me alone on stage, I knew something was really wrong.

Just let me get through this, please. I will eat more tonight. I'll finish my broccoli. I promise.

I stumbled a little at the end of my pirouette sequence, but regained my composure and piqued to the corner to start my leap sequence.

Chasse, pas de bouree, glissade, jete. Simple, right? I learned this combination when I was like 6 or 7 years old. But I didn't learn the part where, as soon as I landed, it felt like a giant hand squeezed the inside of my chest. It was a pain and pressure unlike any I'd ever felt. I collapsed to my knees and immediately vomited. That's the last thing I remember.