Last Words

I'm sorry

Hi. It's been...a long time. A very long time. And I honestly can't even express how horrible I feel for that, and how unbelievably, unbearably sorry I am. I couldn't handle being here. I couldn't handle a lot of things. I'm doing better now. But I'm still not doing too well. Some really nasty stuff has happened, I've had a very hard time just staying alive. Let alone having okay grades, or writing, or talking to my friends...I've been in a very bad place for a very long time.

I don't have my kindle, I haven't for a while. It shut down and couldn't be fixed, and the information I had on there can't be recovered. It simply can't. I don't know who submitted poems or short stories. I don't know which ones I liked, or which ones won. I don't even remember how I picked my favorites. And I am so, so sorry. I feel so sorry about that, I feel sick to my stomach writing this, and I can guarantee that I will again when I'm trying to get up the courage to press the publish button up there. But honestly, even if I did know who won, I am not in a place where I can trust myself to take on a project like that (co-writing something with someone I've never written with before) right now. If I did, I would just get majorly overwhelmed again and spiral back down.

So yeah. I am very sorry. And I will apologize again and again. I'm not going to explain the circumstances of my inactivity/absence though. It's very personal, and it's my choice not to share. So I'm not going to. I'm sorry for that, but it is what is best for me, and right now, I need to be taking care of myself.

You can message me if you have something you want to say in private, but otherwise please comment anything you want to say here. I will go through and look at every comment, I promise. I might not answer, but I will be reading what you say. But currently there's like over 50 messages in my inbox for me to look at and try to reply to some of, so I really really don't want more messages in there unless you're responding to something I sent you, or like I said, it's something you don't feel comfortable putting out here. Or we were really close. Like, you were on my profile close, or something near to that. Just comment instead of message if you're not sure.

It's been about 9 months I think. I turned 16. I'm almost done my sophomore year of high school. It's been a very, very long time. A lot has changed, but at the same time, at the core I'm really not that different. For about six or seven months, I didn't write a single poem. I've scratched out a few lines and stuff recently, within this month. They aren't any good, but they're helping. I did write a poem today, a song really, that I'm happy with and will post in a little while, maybe within the next week, the specific time depending on a lot of factors. Just don't expect anything, okay? Writing has gotten a lot harder for me.

I'm not sure if I'll keep adding my poems in here or I'll start another collection. I kinda want a new one. New start and everything, right? I'm not sure but I think my writing sounds a bit different now. In the poem I like, not so much. But in the others, there's different techniques I've experimented with and it's simply different. Still obviously the same author, but some sound drastically different. I don't know, we'll see how it goes I suppose. But yeah. New collection? Keep writing in here? Unless there's something big to change what I think, I'll go with whatever most of y'all seem to think is the best choice.

I'm sorry. Thank you. Please feel free to tell me if there's anything important I forgot.

I love all of y'all no matter what.

I am so so sorry.

-Jakie.

0141 5-28-2016