Maybe This Time (camren/laucy)

Chapter 5

Camila's POV

5 years ago

Rumors are flying around that Austin Mahone and I are apparently dating. People saw us hanging out more than usual and they immediately assumed that we were a thing now. I don't like him as more than a friend but I like how he makes me feel. He makes me feel wanted and loved. He always asks me how my day was and if I was enjoying the tour so far. I can tell that he genuinely cares about me, he wasn't the douche that everyone's making him out to be.

The only problem was he wasn't the one I had feelings for. He wasn't the one that I think about when I first open my eyes in the morning and before I close it at night. He's merely a distraction and I just want to have some fun with him. I know that I'm leading him on but I can't help but feel lonely once in a while. I needed Austin to be my temporary fix because my heart has been broken countless of times ever since Lauren started dating Luis.

They've been dating for three months now and I always have the urge to cry when I see them together. Lauren's bunk is near mine so I can hear the sweet nothings they're whispering to each other. What I hate is that Luis is actually a good guy so I don't have anything against him. He treats Lauren well so as long as he makes her happy then I wouldn't interfere in their relationship.

Lauren and I aren't as close as we used to be. I've found solace in Dinah since I can't talk about my feelings with Lauren because it obviously involves her. I consider Dinah as my best friend now and we're almost inseparable that the girls find it annoying how close we are. I can see the looks that Lauren gives to us during interviews and sound checks. I could tell that she misses me but I just can't find it in me to be her close friend again. It hurts too much to be near her and not be able to kiss her as much as I want. It hurts to look at her and know that she belongs to someone else. It hurts seeing her and not be able to tell her how much I love her. She's happy with Luis and I won't do anything to jeopardize that.

When Austin started giving me attention, I thought that he would make me forget about my feelings for Lauren. I honestly thought that I could finally move on from her. It turns out that he's just a band aid to cover up the wound that Lauren has caused me. I'll eventually rip him off me but I would enjoy his company as long as I can. I know that it sounds like I'm just using him but believe me when I say that I like him. I like him enough to let him hold my hands whenever we're watching a movie or when no one's looking. I like him enough to let him be my first kiss.

People say that your first kiss would be magical and you would feel your heart beat out of your chest. Fireworks would go off in the background and you would feel goosebumps all over your body. I didn't feel any of this when his lips captured mine. There was only one thought in the back of my mind when he was kissing me and it was the feeling that he wasn't supposed to be my first kiss.

Fairytales say that love is supposed to make your heart thump so fast that you would find it hard to breathe. You should have butterflies in your stomach when you hold the hand of your significant other. You should stutter on your first date because you're too nervous to talk without rambling. You should hear fireworks in the distance when you kiss their lips and all your senses should also tingle. But for me love isn't supposed to cause chaos in your mind and heart. Love is something that should make you feel calm and contented.

My definition of love is quite the opposite of what most books and movies show. When you're in love with someone, your heart should beat normally because you should feel calm and relaxed when you're with them. There shouldn't be any ringing in your ears or goosebumps on your skin. You wouldn't hear any fireworks going off in the background because all you should hear is the steady beating of each other's heart. It's not true that you would have butterflies in your stomach when they touch you because you shouldn't feel nervous around the person that you're in love with. They should be able to calm all your nerves with one touch. They should be able to ease your worries with one kiss. They should be able to make you feel like time's running so fast when they're around. Love is supposed to make you feel as calm as the sea breeze or the ocean waves. And there's only one person in the world that could make me feel like that and sadly she belongs to someone else that's not me.

But even though I'm not the one to kiss her goodnight, I'm okay with that fact that I'm still the only one to really know her. We don't really talk anymore but I would caress her hand whenever I see that she's near her breaking point. I would make her coffee when she's struggling to keep her eyes open when she's reading a book late at night. I would give her a gum whenever she's nervous because I know that she needs something to chew to ease her nerves. I would give her a brief smile and a cheeky thumbs up when she's not feeling confident enough to sing or dance that day. I would give a compliment on how badass she looks because I know that she's a bit insecure when it comes to her clothes sometimes. She might not be mine to love but at least she's mine to care for.

But how long would it take her to see that the love she's looking for her is already in front of her? How long could my heart take being second? How long could I be able to love her without actually telling her? I can't keep doing this to myself and I know that I'm just breaking both of our hearts in this process. So in the meantime, Austin would temporarily fix my heart that Lauren unknowingly crushed and tore into pieces.

Talk to me // @1994XJAUREGUI ♡