Journal Entries

The End of the Path (Warning: This entry can be pretty dark)

Journal Entry: The End of the Path
Date: May 23, 2016
Time started: 8:03 PM

I never expected for this..time to come. For everything to change...so suddenly. Those in my past have moved forward. But I still remain. Love.....such a terrible thing. More specifically, passionate love. It is the kind that everyone has eventually in their life. It is unavoidable...uncontrollable.

It may feel amazing but that doesn't mean the person you find most appealing will have the same perspective. I had to make myself go through the burden of living this..cruel feeling. Everyone says that this kind of love is a kind thing. But I say it tears people apart. You never know if you will have a good chance with it and that's what makes it dangerous...because if you don't..it'll crush you..bring you into misery and pulling you out of your happiness..only until you find a new person.

I haven't found that new person yet. Only pain and suffering, pain and suffering, and pain and suffering. All because I can't forget about this one person...and you know what happens when you can't let go of someone? They move on, but you don't. Which is one of the worst feelings in the world.

Last night I found out that my long-term crush is dating my friend. I admit I do not feel a happiness for them. Nor jealousy. I only feel depression. You may be thinking that I'm confusing jealousy with depression but that's surely not it. Think about it. Wouldn't anybody with the same turn of events--who is dealing with the same problem as me--feel the same way? It is a natural thing of humans...and it's called being heartbroken.

This pain..this very feeling within me refuses to leave my side. I've had to cope with it for several years and have found nothing. No way of destroying it. And because of that, it has only gotten worse...the burden is two times the weight I had to carry and now I can barely stand. If I was barely able to lift it before than how could I now?

It is something that is a new torture to me. Something I hate in all my rage. Not the two people dating but the feeling itself for that one person who was most appealing. How much longer do I have to lurk upon this wretched curse?

For me it is not a beautiful thing. It is cold and dark and it is not a friend to me. People keep saying that things will get better but that has not happened. If you believe so, then why does it feel like nothing is happening? That no one really pays attention to me? That I have to always initiate the conversation because they don't want to speak to me in the first place?

How could someone say that they need me when they don't even speak to me? There is no purpose and therefore, it is a waste of my time. I used to have a long happiness...but it was taken away from me. And now, I am more determined than ever to let go of that one person. I will still be their friend but I will let go of my feelings for her.

I do not deserve anybody really. All this is on account of me. And I can't bear to see my dear friends get hurt by seeing me hurt. They're wasting their time with me. I'm too..weak....too shy to show who I really am. It is in my nature...and it's not something I can change.

Because if I have been like this for over a decade, then it will be very difficult to change my way of doing things. I do not wish to interfere with my friends' relationship. I only wish to be set aside from this world. Because I am nearly done trying...using my effort just to have happiness....